Check this shit out!

So it's not all that great...but it's mine, I wrote it, and that's Me!!!!!!

Back For Today

I don't have a steady thought process right now, but I have a lot of things I need to get out, so here goes.

I am healed. Or healing. probably still a little wounded if I want to be on the negative side....but really, I am so happy, and don't hurt, and really OK. I truly feel healed. It took me a really long time, and I didn't take the most direct path. I've experienced so many new things, met so many new people, and changed so many aspects of my life to do it. But I'm so over C, and the hurt that he caused, and just want to move forward and be me.

I am changed. I've found my lessons. Again, took me FOREVER. But in this regard, I have arrived.

I am strong. I am a survivor. I am a fighter.

I am also fragile. I deserve to be handled with care.

I don't owe any one anything. I don't need to give someone something just because they ask, or want it. I choose what I want to give, and what I want to accept. And I will bear the responsibility of those choices.

I have a genuine desire to leave people better off through their interactions with me. I have a new need to grow through new people as well. I believe in honesty. I believe in humanity again.

I am not broken because of my failure.

I am better, not bitter.

I am so, so grateful for these things.

So D was a really bad decision that I made along the way. bad because he got way too attached. I was irresponsible with his heart because he wanted so badly for me to do so. He knew the rules of the game - this is not a long term thing, I don't want to belong to someone, I'm living day by day and this is going to end sooner than later.

When it ended, he was fucked up, he still is. And now I'm his boss. STUPID.


The silver lining on that whole cloud is more like a large, bold border. I rebounded, both physically and emotionally. I got what I needed in the short term to start living again. I read over my posts in my time with him, and I CLEARLY see the progression. And while someone was hurt along the way, I can't really own that. I can learn from it, but I certainly did NOT stomp on his heart.

So after I sent D on his way, I hooked up with McDrill, the office stud, referred to previously in the roughneck's game incident. You could bounce a quarter off that ass. Purely sexual, just a couple of times to get it out of my system. Felt SO good to be with a hot dude. Needed that.

Then 2 weeks ago, R entered. And it's everything I didn't expect. I am smitten. And slowly reconsidering my commitment issues. SLOWLY. It's still early, so we'll see. But dating is so much fun, and whatever happens, I know I'll be just fine.

A funny thing happened at the game last Friday

So before I let this one slip, let me prepend it with an important fact: I called it off with D altogether. Wasn't going to work, for practical reasons. Ok, so that's done. Now:

I got randomly kissed by a really hot acquaintance of mine last Friday after the Necks game. Was totally hot. Hilarious. I may see him tonight, so there could be updates lol.

Why I Suck at Commitment (exhibit A, see my blog history)

I have not posted in 3 weeks for a very simple reason. I FAIL At COMMITMENT.


This has included - but not been limited to - the following undertakings... all of which I have been "determined" to stick to at one point or another:


Catholicism quitting smoking, budgets, learning instruments, quitting my job, dinner dates, New Year's resolutions, confrontations, secret keeping, relationships.....and a great big fucking ETCETERA.

I need to start exploring why I do that. And I definitely need to keep writing, and not be so delinquent! I have so many updates...



I'm still a total phreak. I spent $420.00 at the sex toy shop. I have been sexually repressed I guess? I'm liberated now? Or Sarah (mentioned her here when she was in a very different place - now she's divorced and sleeping with 24 year olds. She's my idol.) has just been a super bad influence on me. First the brazilian, now the toy shop. WTF is happening to me?

D and I are backing off a bit. Too much for me. Again, I fail to commit. But this one's different... I'm not willing to repeat certain mistakes and I have to be responsible for my decisions. I'm glad that I haven't let myself get too caught up in it to not think clearly. We're still seeing each other, just less often. Except I saw him Friday and I'll see him tonight. May still be a bit much.... I don't know, I guess we'll see.

Work currently sucks. I don't even want to talk about it.

Oh yeah, and I started writing this post last week, but then never posted it... mainly because I failed to follow through with completion when I first sat down:

Mexico

Wow.... where do I even START!!!

Left on the 14th, got back on mom's birthday, the 21st. It was fucking beautiful. And a drunken disaster.... but when I hear free margharita's oceanside, can you blame me?

For starters, this was the view from the Lobby:


And this was the first of about 200 Coronas I consumed with Cam.... on tap!



The pool....


And here's Oscar in some shade....his hat reacted poorly to the sunlight.


The Beach at sunset....and a rare glimpse of me in a photo. I truly think that being up at 4 am and on a plane all day is one of my best looks.


Oscar at the bar



Still...




My cousin, about 20 minutes before he tied the knot:



The flower girl and ring bearer:


Seriously, they are so adorable


And the beautiful bride:


The ceremony... this was the most perfect wedding I have ever seen.


The first dance - under the stars on the beach:

I'm Becoming a Phreak

I got a brazilian wax yesterday. For cereal. Not joking. Me, waxed from the waist down.

I spent a thousand dollars at VictoriasSecret.com. They have great pants, and I got some skivvies too. And I don't really regret it. I could afford it, and I got some great clothes for work, and I LOVE lingerie! Can't help it!!!

I don't think I would have done either of those things a year ago. as of Feb 29th (which didn't exist this year) C and I were separated for a year. Yay me. Boo him for still being retarded. But hey, a year of freedom is a celebration, and I am grateful.

My cousin gets married in a week in Mexico. And I'm Going. I'm pretty fucking stoked, can't lie.

So today I'm doing laundry, cleaning house and making sure I have everything I need for the trip.... and feeling like a phreak for how naked my parts are.

Identity Crisis

Holy Fuck is this "finding oneself" ever an exhausting plight. and now I don't even know if it's so much a matter of "finding" as it is "deciding."

There is so much that goes into who someone is. Behavior, thoughts and tendencies.....Taste, talents, hopes and dreams.... Opinions, shortcomings, presentation... Jebus Murphy, where to start???!!!

Are we born with everything decided, or is it how we are raised? Can we choose it, or is it just the way we are? Can we learn from the past to avoid the same "way of being" in the future? And then, by choosing who we are based on our lessons learned, does that create "justifiable and acceptable bitterness"?

~That last thought made me think that the author of this blog is fucked right up ~

Yay or Gay

• C's threatening legal action of some sort. Not sure what he is trying to gain. Very strange. He's such an ass. Gay.

• I ordered a bunch of stuff from Victoria's Secret. Dress pants, sweaters and such. It came yesterday, and I'm pretty happy about that. My ass looks good in the pants, they fit really well. Yay.

• D's coming over tonight, which is nice. Californication and cuddling. Yay.

• I'm still stuffy and have a sore throat from that cold I had. Gay.

• I've gotten crazy good at scrabble. Yay.

• I had a blast at my girlfriend's birthday party last night. Yay.

• I'm going for dinner tomorrow night to celebrate her birthday with a different group of friends. Should be yummy. Yay.

ANTIDOTE

ANTIDOTE. That was the word I spelled for 70 beautiful points in the scrabble game I finally won against Matty. Final Score, 355 - 297. Ha!






I Feel SO much Better. I can think clearly, and breathe again. I don't feel exhausted, and overwhelmed. Yay for not being sick!

Amara came over last night and we started planning the wedding. Got halfway through a spreadsheet and 2 bottles of red in.... then at 9 I fell asleep on the couch.
Just getting over a cold + being worn out + wine = sleep.

We had a really good time though. Her mom in law had ten llamas and a cougar killed 2, and she's really sad. So here's Amara, 4 glasses into it already, hiding in my bathroom trying to mourn llamas with her MIL. Pretty funny. Sad for the llamas, but that's sort of what cougars do.

I had a total wineover this morning. Ick.

Drank some water, ate some eggs benny with my boss and his Admin, and sucked it up through the day. I was fine once I got going...lol. Had a good day at work, gonna play some guitar and watch some Grey's Anatomy. I get to sleep in with D tomorrow. Amara and I will work on the wedding some more, and then we're s'posed to go out.

I really need some healthy rest, but other than that...

It's So Good to feel normal again!

It's my blog, I'll be random if I Pretzels!

• I don't want another man to move into "my place." I'm tired of being the established one, with the furniture and the dishes and everything in it's place already. If I ever cohabitate again - which sometimes I swear I never will - I want to go out, and find home together. I want to decide on places for things together. I want us both to be invested.

• When I read yesterday's post, I felt compelled to edit it so it didn't sound like D didn't WANT me to meet his family. I think he does. He's mentioned me meeting some important people in his life. I don't want to. I might not for a long time. I'm scared of the implications... I don't want to date a family right now.
  

• JUST when I typed that last bullet, this hit me: I met C's parents once or twice, then next thing I know his dad got cancer and we moved across the city and his dad moved in and then his dad died. And a lot of my life after that for the next 3+ years was really, really bunk. And his mom didn't like me. And she was cold, and I always felt judged. My mother however, had enough love and generosity for C to make up for my father's absence. She took him on a family trip, and saved for our wedding. She welcomed him into all of our family traditions and into her home. And I know that he broke both of our hearts when shit went down. So I realize that I'm a head case. I realize that the shit in my past which is currently holding back my present and future is sucky, and that I have the power to let it go so that I can move on. I get the whole "deal with it, and choose to move forward" BS that everyone thinks when on the outside looking in. But I have a new found appreciation for caution and slow steps. So no, I do NOT want to meet D's family.

• I smoke too much. And I have a thousand reasons not to.

• Coffee with cream liquors such as Godiva's White Chocolate - which is currently in my hand - or the classic Bailey's may be my ticket to a future AA meeting. Except I stop at one or two...and it tastes good???
  

• I'm really hoping that I end up Better, and not Bitter in the end...I'm ashamed that I am not there yet.

• I liberated a lawn gnome a couple years ago. His name is Oscar Pompadore Sanchez. I absolutely adore him. J and I have taken him all over the country, and mom took him on an Alaskan cruise...he got into the cockpit when the plane was on the ground. He was at their wedding. He has a cousin named Woody Wilson. His twin brother Oliver lives in D's parent's backyard. This last part is a new development discovered on Thursday. I found him when I went there... we have yet to reunite the brothers.

• D speaks French. So he can talk about what he did at work all day en francais, and I think it's the hottest thing ever. Hilarious.

• Amara asked me to be a bridesmaid, and I keep coming up with ways to avoid her wedding related activities. I feel really bad about it. I am so tired of bridesmaiding. And weddings.
  

• Dude! Mom brought over crazy amounts of chocolate for Valentines Day. Mom is awesome. She also brought a BBQ chicken and random frozen food items...???... and left with some of the curry I made last night.....?????

• I love socks. Matching my socks to my clothing makes for an inexpensive happy place for me.

• I am currently leading Matt in Scrabble and he is rapidly gaining on me. Which sucks, because he has won all SIX games.

• I have sucked big time at work for the past week and a half because I 've felt so sick... and I still suck because I am still sick. And distracted. And tired. And that's shitty.

• My next random thought after that last one is that D has contributed to the tired and distracted... which is causing me to question it again....which will undoubtedly lead to panic. Fuck.

• Matty just passed me in scrabble. SHIT! FOCUS!
  

• The Bachelor is on tonight. Cam and I call it "Cats in Heat." We also really enjoy "Bitches Who Cry" - or ANTM, "Fat Bitches Who Cry" - The Biggest Loser, and "Crazy Fictitious Bitches" - Desperate Housewives.

• I hate it when Matt uses the word Qi in Scrabble. My least favorite move of his.

• The girl who plays April in Definitely, Maybe is an uber hottie.

• D is really annoying me right now. And I am pretty sure that this is due to my extreme exhaustion. And I am becoming oversensitive due to it and the fact that he inadvertently or not is putting pressure on me to stay up with him makes me really pissed. The reasonable part of my thinking knows that he's not really pressuring me on purpose, but that part gets smaller as I get more tired.

• I am getting much better at scrabble. Current score: 287-285 for me. But it's Matty's turn. He'll kick my ass again.

• I hate how depressed being sick makes me. It's been ten days of illness, 2 sick days from work and a shitload of cold meds. I am cranky and bored, with no desire to do anything because everything seems like so much effort. I miss being happy, which is what I was 2 weeks ago.
  

• SHIT!! Fucker just beat my by eleven points.
  

I got nothin...

I have been so sick for the last week that I have nothing to really write about. On Friday I think I narrowly escaped death. My head and body have the ache that comes with recovering from a bad cold, and my thoughts are still kind of fuzzy.

I've played a lot of scrabble this week on facebook with Matt. And Yahtzee on my phone. And I've slept a lot, and taken a lot of NyQuil. And I let D take care of me. A lot. It's a really scary place to be in, but I can't help but love him. He's thoughtful and attentive. This in itself is strange and appreciated. He is totally great in bed. Not great like a bedroom superstar who's been around the block enough to know all the moves, but great in a giving, wanting to learn, all about me way. He is patient and understanding and open. All of these things aren't what I have appreciated in my exes. It was humor, and charisma, and passion before.... Not that D doesn't have these, but it's not why I'm in it. As gay as this sounds, I think what's really got me about D is that I feel cherished. I feel like I'm important enough for him to want to fit into my life, and I think he is intentional about treating me well so that I will stay in his life.

If I look back, I've been really good at squeezing into a man's life wherever he would fit me, or needed me. With C, it was the "living together" parts like the rent break, Having a house for himself and his family when needed, and having me pay for more than my share. With his personal time, and self, he was not as sharing. His family, his band, his whatever was going on at the moment was always very critical.

Same thing happened with D and R before C. I've always had a place and a purpose in my lovers' lives. I don't want to be typecast anymore. I have a very established life now, and it's about time that someone made sufficient room for me. I have to admit that it's comfortable that D is more integrated into my life than vice versa. I haven't met any of his family or friends. And for now, that's perfect. It's just for me and D. We don't need the pomp and circumstance of everyone knowing that we're in a relationship. I really like that it's private, just me and him.

Ack

Duffy - Oh Boy

So sick this week. Don't recall being this sick for a long time. So, so sick. I have a cold, or a flu, or the plague. Jury's still out. And for the past days - while my head has ached, and my nose has run, and my puffy red eyes continue to water - someone's been taking care of me. What a weird feeling. It's embarrassing, and foreign. But I just got to the point where I felt so horrible that I gave in to it. And I gotta admit, it was nice being taken care of. Meant I got to eat for one thing. Normally if I were this sick I'd live on microwaved chicken noodle soup because I'd be to weak to cook anything else.

So I still feel like death - yesterday and today have been the worst of it - and I'm at home alone. slept all day, Cam's on food duty, and I'll probably sleep all weekend. I don't really have a lot of excitement to blog about. Sick life is boring. Except I switched to Firefox today. Yay!

Musings on a strange conversation

I had a conversation with Joe today on Facebook. Old friendships that are steeped in history easily slip into old habits. We haven't had a heart to heart for years, but we had one today. Not so strangely for us, the topic quickly shifted to sex - not that we talk about it all the time, but we've never been shy to broach that particular subject with each other.

It seems that my oldest friend (not age wise, although he will ALWAYS be older than me) has fallen in love with someone who doesn't share his "appetite" for the joys of the flesh. Perfect in every other way he says, so much so that he will marry her in February - after an engagement that started about the same time as mine...3 years by the time they tie the knot.

This conversation then segued into one about me and Joe. More specifically, our promise that if neither of us were hitched by the time we both were 30 (meaning me, as he crossed that bridge first,)we would get married to each other. The Back-up system... young, naive, hopeful, and confident that we would be settled with kids by then, or I was at least. I think Joe somehow thought that if he were lucky enough to see me turn 30 and not be hitched, he'd jump at the chance. I was a 16 year old girl, fun and flirty and cute. He was an 18 year old choir geek. We both thought I'd go first.

So Joe makes a comment about how he's leaving it to the wire, as I'll be 29 when he ties the knot.

I counter with some offside reference to how it's actually dawned on me that I don't have a backup plan anymore.

He then takes the ball and runs with it, confessing that he still hasn't made it halfway through his list of "women from the nineties that I wanna do."

I - never one to shy away from pointing out the bright pink elephant in the room - ask if I'm on the list. I confess that I would actually be disillusioned if I weren't on the list. Joe spent half of the nineties pining over me not so secretly, like most guy best friends do in high school. There would be something wrong if ten other women beat me out in that decade.

He (of course) alludes to the idea that I shouldn't have to ask about my status on the list.

~I need to interject to comment on how obviously harmless we are being throughout the conversation. Complete tongue in cheek from both sides. We slip into old habits of young silly conversation because it's funny now, and because honestly, we've always found it funny. No ill will or disrespect is intended toward anyone who may be "involved" with either of us. ~

I then take the conversation to a different place, back to heart to heart land.

"People change Joe, and my perspective on relationships certainly has. But I gotta tell you, the core of who you are stays the same, and you are NOT one to opt out of the physical side of a lifelong partnership."

He starts to explain to me that they have explored the idea of him looking outside the relationship. He explains that she wants him to be happy, but that she does NOT want to know about it.

It is at that point that I have to check myself. I cannot continue to be honest with my friend about my "opinions" on his relationship, and need to accept and support. I can't speak out loud what every fibre in my brain is shouting...THIS IS NOT A GOOD WAY TO START A MARRIAGE!!! And I scold myself for judging, knowing even as I am thinking it that I cannot possibly know the dynamic of the relationship, or understand the choice because I am not in it or making it. I have only one experience to base it on, and the experience is jaded in shades of C. Long, Generous brush strokes of C choosing not to have sex with me for up to six month intervals throughout our entire relationship. I never counted days between, only weeks and upward. I harbor bitterness about that, and what I allowed it to do to my self image, and my spirit. I'm human, and terribly imperfect. And C's choice to create this situation for me could be very different than the circumstances of Joe's relationship. Apparently there are some physical limitations there. I'd call bullshit, and tell her to go see a doctor, but I guess she already has.

At the time that I wasn't getting any with C, I told myself that the rest of the relationship made it worthwhile. I honestly think I would have married him knowing full well that I would be unsatisfied. Now that I'm free, I can't EVER imagine giving up that part of me! It's part of what helps love to flourish, it's part of being human. And I wonder if Joe IS just fooling himself thinking that they'll work it out. I hope he is not. I hope they are deliriously happy.

The conversation - although filled with innuendos and light hearted jabs - sparked a lot of musings in me. Another amazing thing about long friendships is that you come to a point in "knowing" each other where you're so safe in that understanding that any conversation can provoke thought and reflection. You KNOW that the other person will get it. Joe and I openly discussed my issues with my previous sex situation (in terms of how it ended up for me in the long run,) while just not addressing the parts he's not ready to talk about in his.
And in reflection, I have other questions in my mind about our chat.

Is every relationship doomed to fail because of our rabid desire to experience first hand, instead of relying on those who have made similar choices before us?

I know better than to commit to a relationship with a man who isn't into having sex with me. In the long run, that's too hard on me, and he wouldn't be a good fit. BUT I only know this after I went there, and it hurt. I know it sounds clinical, but Joe would make an interesting case study. We have similar drives, similar backgrounds, and similar beliefs. I hope my theory is wrong, because I want him to be happy...but I guess time will tell?

Just a Little Panic

Duffy - Mercy(Official Music Video)

[via FoxyTunes / Duffy]

I don't even know what to write about today. It's Saturday. I'm chillin at home. Playing Facebook scrabble with the roommate who moved out last weekend. Feeling antisocial. I'm really confused. And I knew that this was what was going to happen. I'm not ready for anything real. I have panic attacks, which cannot be good. I need to take a step back before I totally freak. I hate that I've become so cautious, but it's the only way I know how to keep my shit together.

It's not that I totally want to bail, I'm happy with the way things are. I'm just feeling really far too invested far too soon, and I need to breathe. I can't just throw caution to the wind and go with it...

So I will take the weekend to myself, and try to keep perspective. You can only ever deal with the "now" and right now there's no reason to panic. Cam and I will hang tonight, I'll stay at home for the comfort of it. And tomorrow will bring what it brings...

If I only had some postage stamps....

Dear non-boyfriend with whom I have spent the last 3 weeks of my life secretly dating,

I didn't want to be in love. I didn't want to be with someone...with anyone. I never wanted someone to buy me coffee before work, or bring me ice cream, or ask to spend a day off just doing regular things with me like getting my car an oil change and taking Cam to apply for passports. I didn't want someone to get into my stupid reality TV shows with me, and ask to be caught up on Californication, Lost, Big Love and 24. I didn't want someone to come over and totally dig my cats, and think I'm sexiest when I'm in pyjamas, or be totally cool with me just sitting and playing the guitar....poorly. I never wanted someone to get to know my body so well, and be so in tune with my responses, or someone who actually spent enough time and effort learning those things. I never asked to be heard by someone so completely, or to have an effortless conversation about anything with anyone. I never wanted to feel safe and connected and totally in the right place and the right moment whenever I am with a person; to feel guarded and defenseless all at the same time. And I certainly didn't ask for any of that at this point in my life.

So I really hope you know what you've gotten yourself in to.

Regrettably 100% Yours,

Me

Beauty in the Breakdown?

Let go- Frou frou

[via FoxyTunes / Frou Frou]

I've spent the last couple of hours imagining. Thinking about what could be going on in my life right now. Picturing. Projecting myself into it, and experiencing it.

I'm trying to fathom the idea of being in a relationship. One where there is caring, and touching, and looking out for each other. One with discussion, and similar perspectives, and complimenting traits. One with listening, and questioning, wanting to "know." One with patience, and imperfection, and humanness; with compromise, and consideration, and "thereness."

It terrifies me. Too much to risk. Too much to gain, and then lose. But I know I'll do it anyway. And I'm pleading in my mind that he just be smart enough to walk away before it's irreversible... because I'll do it, and then be in too deep to walk away myself.

I can't give you what you're looking for

In too deep to walk away

too far gone to ever stay

There's no way, no way to win

I swerved but you crashed into me

right into a trainwreck

People like to rubberneck

And they're already staring, already staring at me

Don't come any closer

I'll break, I'll break I swear

I have a fear of falling

I can't get any air

Nothing lasts forever

And it always ends the same

Don't come any closer

Just leave me this way.

Leave me this way.

You can't break what I don't give you

broken hearts with warranties

Are all too distant history

For me to pretend, me to pretend

We're too old to claim naivety

nothing ever stays the same

I don't need someone new to blame

for breaking, breaking my heart

Don't come any closer

I'll break, I'll break I swear

I have a fear of falling

I can't get any air

Nothing lasts forever

And it always ends the same

Don't come any closer

Just leave me this way.

Leave me this way.

I can't give you what you're looking for

In too deep to walk away

too far gone to ever stay

There's no way, no way to win

Tomorrow

Today's Tunes:

Go Here and play track 7. THEN play Track 1. Sillan & Young - Tomorrow, and Under My Feet. Just found them. I have an old roommate who played in the original line up of a world class fiddling group, and Aaron ("Young" of the duo who recorded this) joined at one point. Sometimes I look them up to see what they're up to, because they were such a talented group, and just kids at the time. Hell, Alli (roommate) and I were only 16!

I missed my deadline of writing happy thoughts "tomorrow" (which would have been yesterday,) so I'm doing it today. I feel like I'm currently writing my "issues episodes" almost systematically! Working on myself, on my relationships and getting out frustrations and honest (if not always altruistic) thoughts and feelings. I've been holding back on acknowledging what is going really well in my life. I want to keep that part to myself, and my thoughts. Maybe because it's scarier to lose when you say things out loud?

What really makes me excited about my life right now is today. Every day, it's just today. It's what I am doing in the moment. I have been guarded with my choices lately. Cautious with how I spend it, and who I spend it with. And wherever I happen to be, I commit to "being present." Just being there, with no interruptions.

Being careful with where I am and who I am with isn't a bad thing. Sometimes I cancel weekend plans if my life has seemed too busy and I need down time. I used to feel really guilty about things like that, but now I just feel like I want quality relationships in my life, and I want to be disciplined in my actions - intentional about what I am trying to achieve. And if I burn out, I can't do that.

I'm really excited about tomorrow too. Every Tomorrow, really. The potential of the future, and the distance it places between me and the past. I know that when I wake up tomorrow I will be free of unwanted obligation. I will go to a job that I truly enjoy with people I honestly like. I can choose where I spend my weekend, and that choice is 100% mine, with no one to consider but myself. And I'm heading out to Banff for girls' weekend, which I'm really looking forward to. I can choose to be alone if I want. Really, the choice would be mine to not sleep alone if I thought it was a good idea (which I don't objectively think it's a good idea, but there are things that I'm not talking about yet - to be saved for another episode of my issues lol.)

I'm being far more honest with myself. Emotionally aware - emotionally intelligent really. And I know that I'm still really guarded, and also of the impact that would have on another person if I were to enter into a "relationship" right now. I have to have boundaries set in every area of my life, and I don't want anyone taking over my life...which is how I know it would feel right now. It feels really good to be happier "single" than in the wrong relationship - or any relationship really.

My brother and our current roommate make me laugh so much. They are so fun to be around. And my relationship with my brother is the bomb. He was a total shit growing up, so it's really cool to have a man in my family who loves me more than anything and would do anything for me. And that's what my brother has become. Well, I use the term "man" loosely, but he's become an honest, loving and loyal brother, and a great friend to me.

I have discovered the power that I have in choice. I feel more empowered, in control and committed to myself that I ever would have thought possible! I have so many great things to look forward to, and come what may, I know without a shadow of a doubt that I can survive anything.

Everything that I write about today, even if it sounds scary, or imperfect, is good. These are things that inspire, engage, motivate and reward me for the work I have done on myself over the past year. My ups are really outweighing the downs in the grand scheme of things, which is not how I felt a year ago, or even a few months ago. And I know that even though it is challenging, it's only going to get better!

Biting off more than I can chew?

So this week, job's not so great. Or, my feeling about my skill level isn't so great I should say. Job's great as ever. My ability to focus, decide and followup are seemingly lacking. I hate not being great at something. I hate questioning whether or not I am even good at something. Days like that just suck.

I am toying with the idea of quitting smoking. By toying, I mean not smoking very much at all for the past 2 days, and not smoking during the workday. And not buying cigarettes....except then I bought a 20 pack which now stares menacingly at me next to my keyboard, threatening a stroke at every glance. Brutal. The change in habit may be contributing to my feelings about the office, but so be it. This is the year of change for me. I'm through with excuses (she says as she sucks back greedily on the cigarette that she has finally caved and lit.) I do not need to be perfect, but I need to be better, and I can be better.

I will get over myself and my job issues, it's a learning curve and I'll get the hang of it. I will get over myself and my addiction issues - from relationship to nicotine. And I will get over my obviously negative spurt as soon as humanly possible. I want to create a corner of happiness here. I have so much happiness in other areas of my life I don't know why I always choose to write when I am venting lately. It may just be because of a tough couple of days, but I don't want to make a habit of it, and it's an easy thing for me to fall into - writing out all of my frutrations.

Tomorrow I'll write about the great things that are happening in my life; add some perspective to my written world. I have so much great going on! Girls' weekend starts Friday at 4, my roommates are hysterical every single day, I've been making so much progress (small, steady steps) on the guitar! I want to document my journey through the learning process. I want to process through a few other "issues" I am having that are way more positive... all change, even the positive ones, come with issues to iron out. Tomorrow not smoking will seem easier, work less overwhelming and life way simpler, because I will write about the good things.

Oops

For the record, I may have overreacted yesteday. But I was having a bad day, and I think writing the hatemail was cathartic. Who knew?

I know I've Taken an Oath of Silence on the matter (but you effing off would be nice)

Not-So-Dear C,

Enough Already! The attempts to contact, the "showing up" randomly, the trying to get to me through my family.... what do you really think you're going to get out of it all? Now you're calling my Landlord? Seriously?

You do realize that the BEST you can hope for is a minor inconvenience for me. And if that's what you are looking for, then Bravo! You can sleep peacefully knowing that I had to ask a friend to stay at the house tomorrow morning so I could go to work and the house could be inspected to make sure that I haven't trashed it. Yay you.

I know that if the roles were reversed, you would be sitting in my shoes getting some sick kick out of the fact that I (playing the role of you being crazy again) am OBVIOUSLY not over the whole thing. I am not you though, and I think the whole thing is just really sad. I feel incredibly sorry for you to be honest. It's gotta be hard to be almost a year removed from a situation and still not be in any better place than you were on D-day. OK, that was spiteful, if not true. I don't want to be spiteful. I just want to be left alone.

I will not contact you to say all of this. I will not contact you at all. I know better than that. I will send it out into the universe to dissipate and die. I realize that I am still jaded myself, and still recovering from the things that you did to me, and to what was once an "us." I can feel the bitterness seeping through my fingertips and am all too aware of what that says about me.

I am trying to move on here, C. It's been 332 days since we split up. Of those days, I have spent 208 of them without you in my home. It's been 148 days since you moved out the last time. At LEAST 130 since we've spoken. And I went over 100 days without having to see or hear from you.

Then POW.

Now we start the count again. This is what I'm not sure you're understanding about it C. No matter what you do, who you email or where you show up, the count of days without you in my life will always start again, and continue. They will compound into months and years and decades, and I will be OK. I'm just trying to move on. Without you. So can you please just try and do the same?

Facebook Status Updates Are Pure Genius

I hate most of the "new" facebook. I don't want to adapt to it. LMAO. As if revolting against the Facebook gods is gonna change anything. But I Digress...

The one thing I dig about the new FB is the status updates and the subsequent comments. I could spend hours reading them if I had no other hobbies.

Speaking of which, I'm learning to play the guitar. 40 hours of practice and counting!


Here's a few of my recent favorites:

• ...doesn't always use the toilet when he goes the bathroom. If he's lookin good, he'll check himself out in the mirror and go in the sink.

• ...is tasty and 28.

• ...suffers from AEIOU and sometimes Y.

• ...thinks spooning leads to forking.

• is full in indecision. Makka Pakka is prettier but Igglepiggle has a wicked rack.

• ...is wishing you all a Wonderful '09. All that is except for Jeff G whose ear I wouldn't pee in if his brain was on fire. Just kidding, I would pee on Jeff.

• ...has noticed that his bust of Christopher Lloyd is weeping for his loss.

Unplugged

As I write, I am listening to Jason Mraz do a live and somewhat goofy version of Rocket Man.

I wrote this totally awesome post to absolutely nobody but myself (like always) to try to capture my "now" feelings about why I have chosen to suddenly make my blog viewable to the public. Then I hit the wrong key on my keyboard (and still have NO clue how I did it) and deleted the entire post. So the drive is now gone, of course lol. Nobody likes having to repeat themselves!

So here's a shorter, make my point version:

I like my music unplugged. Not everyone does, and that's totally cool. I love that everyone is different, it makes my world turn. But for me, stripped down to the bare essentials, honest and soulful without all the layers added on is the best kind of tunage there is. Faith Hill and Santana did this incredible version of Breathe once. I looked forever, and finally found it here. It was so simple, and so beautiful. I realize that Carlos Santana isn't exactly "unplugged," but the vibe was there. I love the imperfections that can only be found in that kind of music. That's just the kind of music that I dig....and just the kind of girl I am I guess.

For some people, unplugged would also imply unhinged, or crazy. These people probably do not enjoy the same music as I do. Those people will more than likely find myself equally unhinged. My taste in music is definitely not shared by everyone, just as much as my way of being isn't going to please the masses. But that's OK, because it's my blog, and I think the point of these things is that it doesn't matter if people like what they read, because they don't have to keep reading if they don't want to.

I started this thing last year not knowing if I would ever post again after the first day. I filled cyber-pages with my thoughts and opinions and freakouts for months, and after reading my own blog, I know myself better. I kept it private because for the short time that it was public, C used it to try to manipulate me, and at the time I was so confused and fucked up that I was too easily emotionally blackmailed. And now I realize that there is nothing that I have written that the people who I love don't already know, and nothing in these posts that I have ever tried to hide.

So I read other people's blogs. It feels a little creepy, because I haven't been as brave with my own thoughts. And my new self thinks this: I am who I am. I'm Unplugged. I'm honest, I'm reflective, and I make huge mistakes just like anyone else. So I figure that if anyone stumbles upon this, starts to read and wants to come back for more, then why not?

I can't promise life lessons, humor or any real sort of entertainment. But if you happen to enjoy my particular brand of "Unplugged," go ahead and read.

Where The Rubber Hits The Road

I've spent the last year of my life living in the world of theory. The other side of my brain is currently screaming out "I've been through the fucking wringer, had it all fall apart, been tromped on, crushed and terrified, manipulated, used, tossed aside, loved and hated!!!" - But my current state is now speaking. I've been in a classroom, picking up concepts, adding to my brain's database of skills. Reflecting, computing, analyzing, recognizing, recovering.... not that you ever realize that's what you're doing, not fully. You just feel lost and in transition and insecure and seriously unsure and like something's missing. Life's funny that way. Hindsight and all that babble.

I'm probably not making a lot of sense, so here's a more literal example: I started my leadership courses almost a year ago now. I took the classes with a lot of people who hadn't been leaders for very long, were inexperienced or even not well suited for the role. I watched them take in all of the theory, explore the ideas in class, and make sense of all of this great new information! And then I went back to the office and watched them continue to do business EXACTLY the same way they did prior to the class. They had the knowledge, but didn't know how to (or didn't want to) apply it practically. Their managers had no awareness of the concepts being taught in the classroom, and were not engaged in supporting this learning back at the office. There was never any feedback provided to them regarding their use of the concepts after they had learned them, and they all thought that they had become better leaders just by sitting through the course.

So now these same individuals are my direct reports. And I am tasked with the responsibility of turning them into a high performing leadership team, capable of using all of the tools that theory provides in a real life capacity. I have to SHOW them how to use their knowledge in practice. And first I need them to realize that they are NOT DOING IT ALREADY!!

So, like any good student of life, I take a step back from this situation at work, and apply the lesson to my own life. Have I failed to apply my real life learnings to my real life? Not that this would be a reflection of personal failure. I'd look at it more as an "Ah ha" moment, where I can grow and become better. And right now, I think that my answer to that question would be yes.

And I revert back to my laboratory work environment for further study. I love my new job. My old boss was fantastic to report to. He trusted me, understood that I knew more about the department than he did, tasked me heavily to run the team alone, and allowed me to succeed on my own. I grew SO MUCH, because I already knew how to run a team, and I was challenged to create a high functioning team and develop all of the initiatives from scratch. And by the time that my life blew up, my team had become so self functioning and my job so second nature that I was able to coast through work...which may have been all I was capable of doing for a while. I will always be grateful to him for the essential part I feel he's allowed me to play in my own career development. And he's been a great friend too.

This could be extrapolated to encompass my life until the break up, with me playing the role of my own boss. Made a lot of good decisions, bad ones, struggled a lot, fixed a lot, but really just did what I thought was best to the best of my capabilities and skill levels and grew through all that was thrown at me.

Now my current boss could not be more opposite. I get weekly one on one coaching sessions from him. There are daily quick hits, and clearly defined objectives. His intention is to make me a better coach, and mine to make my supervisors better coaches. We spend hours in his office, him asking me questions designed to make me think and improve, and then I am sent away challenged to be better now that I know more. And I AM better now that I know more. This job is where the rubber hits the road. And I am charged with guiding my team to do the same. It is empowering, exciting, and a little scary. Make it or break it time, opening night.

And my biggest learning this week comes from this new work environment. I can no longer do the same things and expect different results. I am charged with creating a high performing self, and no one will do this for me. I have learned the hard life lessons. And I have seen what happens when people learn concepts, but do not apply them. I know that I am better than that.

It's funny, because I already knew this lesson in theory. I have at times already practiced it in real life. I'm not trying to imply that I've gone 28 years repeating all of the same mistakes and never adapting or growing. I think the point of realization is more of an "I own 100% responsibility for who I become and how I behave" idea. I can't AFFORD to make as many mistakes as I have in my past.

It's time that I become a new type of coach to myself. One that increases awareness of the part I play in my own life, and holds me accountable for my behaviors and the results. One that trusts me, and I can trust, to be honest and forthcoming with the truth.

This realization is not one that came in an instant, but more from my reflections on my behaviours over the past month. I have been far more intentional in my actions, and deliberate because I am looking for specific results. Again, this behavior was first identified at work. But I think the transition happened at home about the same time. I totally trust myself right now.

This is a HUGE relief. I know I can depend on me. I guess in a sick way, I gained that from my experience with C. My being here- in the exact spot, room, chair even where I hit ground zero almost a year ago - and being OK. OK is bloody fantastic if you think about it.

Speaking of C, here's proof of concept one:Guess who showed up at my new office, on the third floor, right in front of me for a good 20 minutes to chat with the big wigs on Thursday!!! Oh yes, we had fun that day! I can't say I completely kept my cool, which I think is to be expected, because he was the LAST person I thought would show up there. I did ask a director if he was looking for his job back, and tell him off the record that I was really uncomfortable with that. And I did get a supervisor to just stand at my desk and look busy so that I didn't have to worry about eye contact.

But I totally did not crumble. And I looked GOOD. And felt good, if not a bit creeped out by it.

And THEN, guess who sent me a text last night!!! A "no need to reply, just wanted to say congrats on the promotion and best of luck to you" bullshit text. I know, bloody ridiculous at this point, but 2 possible attempts to establish contact in 2 days. Again, it creeped me out a little, but that's about it! It felt good that I didn't want to text back at all, not even to just say fuck off.

Old me wouldn't have shown restraint. New me knows I am so much better without him in my life, and I can't just react and tell him to fuck off and expect not to suffer the repercussions of a whole can of worms.

So now that I have all of this new learning, I have to commit to further exploration of the applications. So I am testing the theory of attracting the type of person you think you "should," or getting what you "put out there." I am setting a standard of only sharing my time with people who I trust and trust me, and working on honest and open connections. I think I'm going to be OK, and it's fucking fantastic!

My first post of the year!

Today's Tunes:

I've been rearranging my Play lists and Set lists for the year. So I've got a lot of new songs on my mp3 player...

Christmas was good. Seeing T - my sister - was amazing. A (good friend) gave me the most beautiful gift. It's a freshly released book of all of Paul Simon's lyrics from 64 to 08. Incredible. The best part is that A HATES Paul, so I was so touched that she was so thoughtful. I found a copy of the same book for T, because I couldn't think of anything better... it was the perfect gift for both of us really.

I only got sad once, and it was only for about 3 minutes around bedtime on Christmas Eve. Not so much sad as a little nostalgic and a little strange being "alone" on Christmas. Sometimes I'm lonely.... but never enough to want to do the whole relationship thing again. I wouldn't mind dating casually, and I still really miss sex, but I just can't seem to make it a priority. I think I'll just wait for that to change. They say these things happen when you least expect them. I don't know if I necessarily believe that, but I guess we'll see.

I'm listening to

and it sort of freaks me out. The chorus is all about the type of love that she MISSES having even though she's with Mr. Perfect. It seems like I've HAD that kind of love. It's exhausting. And she makes it sound exhilarating and like something she's missing out on. Is there no way to win at this game???!!!