The Secret

Today's music:

More Like Her - Miranda Lambert

I spent a lot of time thinking about what to post today. This song is so pretty. That's why I linked to it. There was no real reason behind it... but now I sit here, listening to the words, and realize exactly how I will feel the day that C finds someone to love who is not me. To me, it speaks of a love lost that wasn't right... but she thinks it might have been right had she been a "better" person. As I listen to the words it seems silly that she doesn't see that it wasn't her fault. That realization doesn't make her pain feel any less real to me. Which makes me think that maybe she DOES realize that it wasn't her fault, but still hurts, and still regrets. LOL, that's a lot to get from one song. I press play again to wallow in my own regret and confusion for 3 and a half more minutes. And then I will be finished with that for now. I think it's important to grieve, and I allow myself time and space to do so. But that time and space needs to be limited, so I set boundaries. Listening to the same sad song that didn't affect me prior to right now three times in a row is enough for now.

OK, now the reason I actually logged on to post. I was gonna post a wish list for myself today. And then that seemed silly. People wish for things on birthday candles. That's not the kind of wish list I want to write. These wishes are more of deep desires or longings. Things that I truly seek for spiritual (??) fulfillment and peace of mind.

What I want to write about reminds me more of this thing my old drummer told me about once called "The Secret." Oprah did this big thing on it a while back. The film trailer is a little melodramatic and the press a bit sensationalized to say the least. But the guy who told me about it is incredibly grounded and insightful. He's very disciplined in his craft, and doesn't speak unless he has something to say. So I thought about it today as I tried to reframe my thinking into something a bit more meaningful than a thought you make over some candles. I want to live like I HAVE the things that I desire. If I'm not prepared to receive them, they will not come. So insead of making a wish that may get extinguished, I'm "putting it out into the universe" that I am happy to receive it's gifts.

I am grateful for:

Clarity of purpose

Companionship on my path

A new career direction

Security

Lasting clarity on what is right and best for C and I

Courage

Willpower

Self respect

Baby Steps to the New Job...

Today's music:
Ground Control to Major Tom - David Bowie .... Whut?

I Kissed a Girl - Katy Perry

So J calls me yesterday. And says, "Call me back! Call me back! I want my phone to ring!!"

So without hesitation, that's what I did. When she answered after the 4th ring giggling hysterically I asked why. Turns out my new ring tone on her cell is I Kissed a Girl by Katy Perry. She finds this extremely funny. Not that we've ever kissed. But we'd be married by now if we both didn't love men so much.

Then she called tonight, just now. " Quick, name this tune," she says, followed by the tentative singing of "I'm sitting in a tin can... did you get it?"

To which I -again without hesitation-respond "Ground Control to Major Tom?" and proceed to find it on YouTube to play it for her, holding the phone up at the part were Major Tom calls Ground Control back and all hell breaks loose for the poor guy. "Thank you, that made my whole day better." Random. That's what I love most about our friendship. To us, the whole scene seemed normal until I replayed it in my head and realized that we're pretty strange. Absurd that she'd have that song stuck in her head (God knows where that one came from) and just bizarre that of course I knew the answer ROFL. D always says his "women have uses." We can reach things, and name that tune lol.

So I promised myself that once I was done my course I'd look for alternative employment. I updated my resume, looked online for 4 hours and applied for 2 jobs that I don't really want. Just to do it. It's a start. Looking for a new job after 6 years at the same place is scary! I've never had to market myself with my skill set in the current marketplace! So I thought I'd start out with some practice at places I'm not so excited about so that if I screw it up, I don't really lose. We'll see how it goes...

It's Graduation Day!!!

Today's Songs (right now):

Me & Julio Down By The School Yard - Paul Simon - How can you NOT be happy when you hear this???
I Want You Back - The Jackson 5 - Stuck in my Head
Put Your Records On - Corinne Bailey Rae - Today's "me" song

So I've been taking a leadership course with some people I work with. It's been pretty intense. The company I've worked with for the last 6 years partnered with a post secondary institution nearby to develop a leadership certification course. It's a great way to get extra education without having to pay for it, but it's stressful knowing that your ability to complete the coursework and utilize the principles at work will be reviewed by your boss. The course has consisted of 4 modules, all with 3 weeks of pre-session work, a 2 to 4 day in class session and 3 weeks of post-session work. CRAZY!! There's no real way to "fluff" through it. Not that I'm much of a "fluffer" anyway. I take opportunities seriously, because life is short. Which probably explains why my class unanimously elected me as the grad speaker. I was the first to say "not it" but I was sort of volun-told otherwise. Oh shit. WTF have I done???!!!

I've been pretty stressed out about the whole thing! Nobody in the class was really giving me a lot of useful info on what they wanted to see out of my "speech," yet I was voted to represent the class so I didn't want to just write what I thought. So I asked my friend K if she wanted to speak with me, and we tag teamed it.

I missed my calling when I didn't go further with writing as a career. I mean, I write for my enjoyment, but it's the one thing that comes so naturally to me that I really feel I excel at. I'm great with words. My friends and family tell me all the time. The two things I "get" really well in this world are human beings and words. Which makes me great in a time of emotional crisis, when your world is flipped upside down and you don't know what you need or even how you feel. I can tell you what you need and then go get it for you... and it's easier to figure out how you feel over a pint of Haagen Daaz which is generally what I return with. My mother and sister marvel at how I can verbalize their feelings each time they are disappointed by a friend or lover, have their hearts broken, or lose a job. I'm working on being able to do that with my own feelings in just as an objective manner.... sounds simple, but it's tough homework.

So anyway, K and I tossed around some ideas, and I wrote something that we both thought would get the job done. My issues lie in the delivery of said speech - to our VPs, the head honcho of our company, some managers, HR peeps and my class. This is a hysterical concept. I have been with the company for 6 years, K's there with me, and I've been drunk with the head guys on a company jet.... I'm pretty sure that I should be comfortable enough with these people to deliver a speech. I can sing in front of strangers, and have sang in front of a thousand people at our company Christmas parties twice. My band's been hired to do the Stampede Breakfasts there. And yet I stood in front of these people, and my hands SHOOK for the entire speech!

Mortifying.

But over. And I breathe a sigh of relief just thinking about that. It's over. I shook, yes. But K and I delivered. And our head guy said he wanted a copy to laminate. Yes I said LAMINATE. Who freaking laminates??? I loved that.

Let's see...what else is new. Went for sushi last night with someone I don't blog about (lack of significance??) B came over later. We rocked out on Rock Band. I think he might have a thing for me. That wouldn't be great. It would be un-great in fact. Why do people have such a hard time keeping relationships on the level that the other person is comfortable with???

Seriously, this bites my butt. People always want more than you want to give them. I've been guilty of it myself on many occasions. Why can't friends just be friends? Or lovers just be lovers? Why can't sex just be sex sometimes?!? If the "rules" are clearly outlined and both parties agree, there should be NO BENDING THE DAMNED RULES!!!!

I realize that people often start off as "friends" and then a relationship grows to be more. Good relationships often start as great friendships. But when one party clearly states the intention of a relationship early on, then the other party has no right to bitch if it doesn't become more. And the other party should bow out if they can't handle the boundaries.

Women often make this mistake when they are interested in a man. The man can say outright that they aren't looking for a relationship, yet a woman will hang around trying to stick it out until he sees she is great enough to commit to... nauseating. And they'll pretend that they're OK with zero commitment, and try to be something they are not. That part is sad. Most women cannot have emotion-free sex with the same partner for very long. They should stop pretending they can. It's OK to have "weaknesses" (I don't think it's weak, but it seems to sometimes be viewed that way) and grow attached to something. Just make sure it's worth attaching to first. If he tells you up front that he's not worth it, then DON'T ATTACH!!

This rant has just made me realize that currently, I could still handle a bout of emotion-free sex... not long term, just....ARRRGGGHHH!! Does the rule where a "rematch" with an ex later in life doesn't increase your numbers still work?

What I've learned about Me...

Today's music:

You'll Think of Me - Keith Urban

No Air - Jordin Sparks ft Chris Brown

Born Again in DixieLand - Jason McCoy

Stronger - Faith Hill - This one says it all for me right now...

Wow, it's been a busy week! A lot to blog about, but no time to check in. I've had some revelations this week that have run the emotional gamut. Some of it's been such a blast! Some of it is shocking. I'm not sure I should be OK with some of it. But it is what it is... and this is what I think I've discovered this week:

I LOVE to dance - Not out clubbing, where the girls shake their behinds like if they go hard enough, they may shrink - but real (or almost real) dancing. With a man. Who knows how to dance, and can lead. This was a fun thing to learn. I took 16 years of training in all sorts of dance, but the whole partner thing is relatively foreign to me. I know HOW to dance, but haven't had a lot of practice. No man I've dated has ever really danced with me. It's the curse of being 6 feet tall and attracted to drummers. Drummers don't dance. And no man wants to dance with a partner taller than he is. I went out to this divey country bar that always has a live band. I sang there for 6 years, but last night I went out with the girls. I two stepped with these two tall, cute cowboy brothers all night. It was so fun.

I quite enjoy going out with the girls. I like to drink a bit. Not excessively, and not all the time, but more than I thought I did. And I like to flirt with the boys lol. It's nice to know that I can still turn heads. It's all in the attitude. If you think you're the hottest woman in the room, they will too. This is also something I learned last night. I wasn't trying to impress anyone, didn't care what anyone thought. I was out with the girls, and perfectly content. And yet I was asked to dance all night lol. When you don't need it, it just comes.

My ex and I are still very much in love with each other. This is sad. Since I have started writing this blog, I have actually become a lot more introspective. This has allowed me to realize what I need to do and start doing it. So I have been gradually moving on. I have been hanging out with other men. Not "dating" as much as group activities, conversations... getting to know you type things. Not because I am looking for someone. But because I want to learn about myself. This means exploring what I do and do not want in a partner. This is a necessary part of my moving forward, and I know that. But it is a very painful process for me. C and my separation was not the result of how deeply we did or did not care for each other. We built a very strong history, and both thought at one point that we would be life partners. Letting go of that belief is hard on both of us. Our parting was the result of certain choices and behaviour that I cannot look past. We both know this. There is no going back. Regret cuts deep. Sometimes I think deeper than heartbreak. Hearts heal, and the pain is something we eventually grow through. The remorse of what could have been lingers.

I'm starting to get the hang of this single girl thing. I like parts of it very much! Today, I just want to do my own thing. Putter around the house, do some school work for the course I'm taking, laundry. Days like this are becoming fun. I'll go out with Cam for a bit tonight, just to wrap up the weekend with flare. He'll probably drag me to a karaoke bar, which is hilarious. But I figure why not?

And then reality sets in...

So I wake up this morning to find that the hangover from yesterday has morphed into full blown sickness. Regardless of the mass amounts of sleep I got yesterday, I felt like I hadn't slept a wink. This is not hung over, this is ill. So I called in sick and slept the day away again. I'm feeling a bit better, but still pretty gross.

And the emotional toll of the weekend has caught up with me in full force. I can't blog about the deepest parts of this, which is unfortunate, because I feel stifled when I cannot express how I truly feel about something. But between C and B2, I am feeling worn out and used. Ick.

Stampeding weekend at a glance

I am an idiot. I figured that since this was the first stampede since I've been legal drinking age that I haven't had to gig day and night for the whole 11 day run, I would take the opportunity to make up for 9 years of stampede sobriety. Bad idea. Bad, bad idea.

Here's how my weekend went:

Friday: got on a bus from the office (a yellow bus lol) and was at the grounds working on my first beer by 11 am. Met yellow shirt and texter. I called them that, and they responded. I think their names were James and JT. Cabbed it home at 5, and had a fire in the backyard with Cam, C and B. By the time I passed out 13 hours later, I had drank a beer for every 10 lbs of my body weight (not sure if this is my greatest achievement, or stupidest idea ever.) Was really, really sick in the wee hours of Saturday morning.

Saturday: Nursed a hangover until noon. Went for breakfast with C, and B came by to pick up his phone which was left over from the madness the night before. I had plans to go out with B2 (an old friend, former flame) for the day. He showed up at 2. Strung out on something. It was really sad. I sent him home at around 6. I don't want to talk about that. It's sad and it's too personal for this. Went out with Cam to karaoke ( too hysterical.) Had a good time. B came down later in the night and we went home and chilled til about 3. Ate some McDonald's which felt wretched this morning.

Today: Woke up with B, did a wake and bake to nurse the hangovers we were both sporting. Grabbed some Timmy Ho's. B took off around 10, I was asleep by 10:30. I just woke up a couple of hours ago and went to the office to pick up my car. I feel like ass. I am far too old to go as hard as I did this weekend.

Life is Beautifully expensive!

So J's wedding rapidly approaching meant that it was time to find a dress for me tonight. $400.00 later....ack! The deposit is due tomorrow. J's putting it on her credit card until the 15th, when I can give her the money. How pathetic is that? C's decisions put me in a bit of a situation, and I in turn am in the position of allowing my best friend to front me half the money for her own maid of honor's dress. Living paycheque to paycheque....quite literally right now. I find the situation amusing, as I know that it's temporary and I will come out OK on the other side. Things have calmed down recently, so there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

The dress is beautiful. It's going to be in wine red, which is a totally great thing for me. And she'll be in the most amazing gown I've ever seen. It's ivory with the most incredible espresso brown inset. The wedding is all Fall colors, and she's going to look incredible. I'm starting to get excited! Everything is so close now! I'll work it into my budget to pay for the dress, and it'll all work out, I know. I want J's day to be the best of her life.

Sad Day

Today was a sad day. It was a good enough day for me. Got a lot of things done at the office, had some laughs with my peeps, and went for dinner with a friend. B's a lot of fun to talk to, we have a good time. And he smokes, so I don't feel so bad when I do it around him. I know it's bad for me. I want to quit, I really do. But I already feel so shameful about it, it's nice to know that the person I'm dining with doesn't judge me by my "post dinner smoke." Plus, tonight he paid. Bonus. Next Tuesday I pay, but for now, I win at not paying for dinner! We've decided to do Payday dinners." Where we will take turns buying dinner every payday. B has ADD (as does my brother coincidentally,) and I myself am easily distracted, so the idea of a scheduled friendly interlude appeals to us both. Payday is easy to remember. And we enjoy the company.

But at any rate, regardless of myself, today was a sad day. The following things made it a sad day:

• I have a friend severely ill in the hospital. Life threatening is scary when it's on TV. It is terrifying when it is happening to one of the purest, kindest, warmest individuals I have met. And I don't just say that because he is ill. It was well known to me how fabulous he was before he got sick. I'm hurting for the people closest to him. For the women closest to his heart. I'm hurting for him, and the uphill battle he faces. I am praying and trying to "know" that he will win the fight.

• Some other friends of mine are at the brink of a divorce. And I got dragged into the middle of it today. I tried so hard to remain neutral. But it is a scary thing, knowing both sides of a dishonest story. I encouraged the one part approaching me to seek answers from the other party, but I'm not sure he even knew what questions to ask. The sad part is, I truly believe that they love each other, and that this breakdown is a symptom, not the problem.

• J's -She's my person. My ultimate friend. My buddy for life- mom is in the hospital after surgery. Also very scary and also a bit unknown. And J's getting married in 3 months. She just bought a house, is stressed in every way imaginable and currently falling apart. I just want to go and take care of her. But I can't. She has D for that now, and I know she'll be OK.

• K and Cam split today. Poor kid. He's pretty sad right now. K wasn't the one for him. I know this. She was actually not very nice to him. But his little heart is broken, and that is so sad.

I'm ok today. I'm just reflective for the people I love who are not OK today. They are in my thoughts and in my heart.

This world spins sooo fast. And "random" is all that really ever happens to anyone. Regardless of the planning, thinking and choosing that we do, we can never know what will be thrown at us. Life happens, and we roll with it. I guess I'm OK with that.

Then things got a little sad...

Living with Cam is going to be interesting.

Currently, my love life is.... not. There isn't a love life at all. I have an ex-fiancee living in the spare room. While I am 100% ready to move forward with my life and open to whatever that life may offer, I do not feel that it is right to introduce new people into my home right now with C living in it. I have far too much respect for him to rub it in his face that he lost me. He already knows what his actions have cost him. When he has moved out, some time has passed and I become emotionally involved with another man, I will tell him. He will do the same with me. After 4 years and the history that we have built together, we would rather hear it from each other than from one of the many people we both know. Becoming emotionally involved with another man will take some time anyway. I don't think it's responsible to take my current baggage into a new relationship. I'm happy to heal for a while.

So I don't bring people home. I go out. I hang out with friends. I have met some new people. I have met some incredibly hot new people. I have entertained the idea of having one of said hot persons to my residence. But I don't. I am dying to get laid. Plain and simple. Not to jump into another relationship, not to "fill the emotional void" or to rebound. I just really want to have some good sex.

Which brings me to the sad part (as if this wasn't sad already lol.) I'm lying in bed last night. Alone. Thinking about what I cannot have. We always want what we can't have, but at that current moment, I REALLY wanted it. Also at that current moment - that exact moment - K walked in the back door, down the stairs and into my baby brother's bedroom. K is the girlfriend. It was after midnight. It was her first time over since he moved in, and I know how my brother thinks. The long and short of it is, at the precise instant that I was dying over the fact that I can't get any until C moves out, my baby brother was getting some in my freaking basement. Christening the new pad, as he would say it. The fact that it was happening at all is disturbing. But given my current situation, it was just.... Ack.

The universe is sick and twisted I tell you.

I Need an Adult!

So Cam's all moved in and settled down in my basement. (It used to be a separate suite, so that sounds way worse than it is. It's not like he's hiding out under the stairs and can only come out for 2 meals a day or anything.) Mom calls last night to see how the first big day out on his own went. I'm only guessing at what her end of the conversation went like, but from what I heard Cam say, It was something like this:

Mom: "So how was your first day at the new job?"
Cam: "Good. It was only paperwork signoff. In and out in an hour."
Mom: "And how's it going in the new house?"
Cam: "Really good. I'm loving it! Gracie..."

(Gracie is my retarded cat. she really is retarded. she jumped out of a 2nd storey window when she was a kitten, landed on her head. She used to be a real bitch, but since the fall, she's super sweet. I'm not a neglectful cat parent I swear. My windows usually have screens. It had a hole in it, so I had taken it out to fix it so the cats wouldn't try to jump out and land on their heads. She was a mean kitten, but she was quick. Anyways...)

Cam: "Gracie is in love with me. She follows me around the house."
Mom: "Ah, that's cute."
Cam: "Yeah, and she makes these weird noises. C says she never makes any noise, but she was sitting outside my room chirping for a long time. It was like, 'Mramramramramramramrmra,' you know, kinda like you when you're upset."
Mom: "..............."

The conversation ended shortly after. I couldn't help the fact that she heard me laugh. There was no holding it in. I was still hysterical when he hung up the phone.

Paul Simon

is a god. I swear. The man is a musical genius. I listen to his music, and I experience every emotion there is. Right now, I'm listening to "Still Crazy After All These Years." It's fitting.

I've had a lot of my past lovers - be that in the physical or emotional sense - resurface in recent days. As if my current situation wasn't confusing and emotionally exhausing enough. Some old friends are more than welcome, and now that they are back make me realize how much I have missed them. Others are just confusing, or unnerving. But they all require emotional energy I feel that I am currently lacking. And yet I want so badly to keep up with it all! It's like I finally have the freedom to do as I choose, and yet I'm too tired to do any of it!

Anyway, back to Paul. My musical hero. My older sister took me to his concert when I was 16. After I got over my initial shock and paranoia over the fact that everywhere around me people were smoking grass (because, you know, who would smoke grass in BC at a concert with Bob Dylan and Paul Simon??? It's a public place!!!) I had the greatest time. The way that his music made me feel - exhilarated, energized, happy, sad, nostalgic (if one can be such a thing at 16). All in a 2 hour concert! It was spiritual for me. And for my sister. It is one of my warmest memories with her. Since then, I've been devoutly fanatic about Paul Simon.

My sister introduced me to a lot of great things. I'll have to remember to write about that sometime. Right now, I don't have anything other than warm thoughts of Paul though, so I do believe I'm finished for now :)

At the end of Day One...

I don't feel enlightened yet. I'm not impatient, I don't expect trying new things to yield instant results. I'm just saying, I don't feel any different.

Today was an OK day. Beside the fact that my mom said she'd be here at 10, didn't call until 2:30 and showed up at 3:00. Then she didn't leave until 7. Don't get me wrong, I love my mom, but I am currently receiving the "almost silent" treatment. In case you're not familiar with it, it's this thing that Catholic mothers - at least MY Catholic mother- do when they want to guilt their children into doing what they think is best for them. And currently what her children are doing is not what she thinks is best for them. So she retaliates by monopolizing my weekend by making plans on both Saturday and Sunday to help my brother move his stuff in (this is the point of contention, as by moving in with me he is moving away from her,) insisting that I be here to help, and then making us wait all day. Yesterday she even parked so that she blocked my car in. She knew I had dinner plans, so she showed up right before I was leaving and blocked me in. This is not healthy. I am aware.

I feel OK about today though. C is looking for a place right now. That is promising. It won't mean anything until he actually moves out, but at least he's starting the process. I am hopeful that he will be out by the end of the month.

Maybe I'll feel enlightened in the morning :)

Obstacles

I'm going to try taking note of things in my life that keep me from feeling in control of it. I'm pretty sure that's part of the reason I'm having a hard time finding my way right now. I don't feel like I hold all of the cards. I don't feel "free" enough to move forward.

Number one on my list right now has got to be that C - that's my ex - is still living in the spare bedroom. Well, back living in the spare room really. He was gone for a couple of months. Then he came back. We never got back together, I never entertained the thought after February 29th, but he's living here. Long story, all due to circimstances. Those circimstances have passed. I need him out.

Number two. My mother. Not always, just right now. Maybe it IS always, but I'm not proud if it is. I'm not ready to disclose why, and I'm not 100% sure what to do about it. But I know it has to do with control, and I know I need to deal with it.

Number three is my job. Isn't that universal though? Fixing that will have to wait.

“Those who wish to sing always find a song”

Proverbs are so cliche. lol. Unnecessary statement I know, but true nonetheless. I love this one in the title. Maybe sometimes I need cliche to provide clarity. I mean, if it's cliche, it must be something familiar to the masses right? And it's somewhat comforting to know that sometimes the masses need the help as much as I do.

"Those who wish to sing always find a song."

If I could sum up my life to date with one cliche, this would be it. If I could sum up my purpose in starting this blog with one cliche, this would still be it. In fact if I could sum up where I am heading on my journey, what I wish to accomplish, and how I was made - all with one cliche - this would be it.

In order to understand where I am heading (and isn't everyone trying to understand where they are heading?) you have to know where I have been. My life has been a blessed one. Rich in experience, Rich in loves found and lost, joys experienced, pain weathered and grief endured. I have had many experiences in human nature. I am fascinated, inspired, appalled and amazed by all that humanity has to offer. There has never been a lack of humor in my life, which I value as one of the universe's greatest gifts. It's been unique, exciting, and strange. I am sure as I continue to write, there will be glimpses into some specifics of the experiences that have shaped me. For now, just know that I am happy with who I am, have made peace with where I have come from, and am in transition to who I would like to become.

About four months ago, I found myself exactly where I had never planned to be. 27, single, with 4 cats and living from paycheque to paycheque. This was after a series of events that led to the end of an engagement the week after I bought a wedding gown. I had not foreseen the events that occurred, I had no choice in them (except the part where it all ended,) and while I do not consider myself a victim, I did feel tossed around a bit (or a lot) by the actions of my would have been husband. I did NOT want to be the crazy cat lady. I didn't even like cats before I met him. ( I love my cats, but really, 4 is excessive for one person. I didn't ever think I'd be alone with them when we took them in.)

I am not a stranger to heartache. Nor am I unfamiliar with the unknown, or uncertain future. I have found ways to cope. I've thrived on change. I am a singer. I am a searcher. I am a writer. So when life hands me lemons, I write a song. Or I used to.

About 2 weeks after he left, I found myself crying on the couch AGAIN, and realized that I needed to find a more productive outlet. I was wasting good emotion on disposable tissues, and starting to question my mental health. So I grabbed my writing gear, sat down, and..... couldn't write a thing. It had been a while since I had taken the time to write. In fact, it had been about 4 years. I used to write every day. It was my outlet. I've never been able to keep a journal in the traditional sense. I've been writing nothing but songs in my journal since I was 11 years old. I fell deeply in love with someone I thought was my soul mate 4 years ago. I don't know why, but I stopped writing shortly after that. I should have taken that as a sign that it wasn't right. But I didn't really realize that I had stopped doing what I do until that day on the couch, when I was no longer able to do it when I needed to.

Life goes on, and mine proceeded to do so. I've sat with my notebook many times, but I've now got the worst case of writer's block ever. Because of the circumstances leading up to my major life change, I don't feel like I can "learn" from my experiences with that relationship, I feel like I have to "recover." And I hate that. I want to find meaning in what happened. I want to grow from it and reflect. Maybe I'm just "not there" yet, but it's unfamiliar territory for me, and for the first time in my life, that is terrifying me. I don't know what I want to do with my new life. I don't know what will come of the decisions I have made in the last 4 months since I have been alone. I want to sing. Even when I wasn't writing, I was singing. But now I find myself without a song.

A friend of mine is a blogger. I never understood. I mean, I understood that it works for her, and so be it, but I never got why someone would post their innermost thoughts, or any personal details of their life in such a public forum. And now here I sit. I've never been one to dismiss an idea without further investigation. As all other attempts to work through my life's current roadblocks have left me in the same place, I am trying the blog. I am hoping that if I start to write something with the clear intention to "find a song," it will happen. And ironically enough, this is the most that I have written in a very long time. It's not a song, but it's a start.