My life's become an unplugged version of my favorite song - it strayed a little from the course, it's not quite what I expected and different than what I am used to, yet somehow better.
It's OK. I know that you are having a hard time with your all season tires and your mini van. I know the temptation to lane dive, cut people off, stop mid-intersection and create your own lane over the sidewalk is far too great to overcome. You have places to be, people to see, and the roads are so bad that you just don't even know what to do with the 4 tonnes of metal that you are bopping around town in. So I have a solution for both of us:
STAY THE F&#K OFF THE ROAD UNTIL THE SNOW MELTS!!!
Dear last minute shopper,
Your kids are gonna hate you when you can't find anything they wanted for Christmas on Dec 24. Rain checks are not accepted at Christmas. Please read the paragraph above, and then learn to shop online, and be finished by August. Procrastination is not an excuse for ignorance.
Dear Santa,
I wasn't a very good girl this year. I swore, lied, fought, and had impure thoughts. I don't want a pony, or a fire truck, or a power tool. Ok, I always want power tools, but I know I've been bad. But seriously, can I at least get a spanking?
Dear God,
Thank you for sending your son to us, just so he could die for us, and we could still make a mess of the world. I'm sorry that we haven't done you justice, and plan to be better next year.
I started to write a totally different post, but I had his song in mind, and when I started to listen to it, my thought process went with it....
First of all, if you haven't opened the link to listen to it, stop reading, and do it. Love it? How could you not? So I'm bopping along (which I look ridiculousdoing, but do all the time anyway) and singing along (which I also do incessantly) and I realize that this song makes me think of C. And not entirely in an angry way. More in a "time makes everything seem less severe" way. It's like I WANT to be able to think fondly of him, so I'm edging into that general territory. Hilarious. If my girlfriends were to know that, they'd flip out.
I have a thing for the way Jason Mraz writes. He reminds me of Paul Simon. Some of his stuff is way out there, and some is so honest. But it all sounds real and true to who he is. This song reminds me of some of my greatest friendships in the intellectual way. I've had somecrazy deep convos in my life with some unique individuals. With what C and I went through, some of our connections definitely make the list. Sometimes I think J and I may know eachother inside out, which is sometimes not fun. Lately me and Sarah have had a few moments. This little lady who worked for me I call Mrs. B and I have shared some tears, fears and cheers together. I think the conversations that contributed to who I am more than any others were the ones with Joe.
Between the ages of 15 and 18, I relied on Joe for insight, honesty and reflection more than any other human being. Which may not have been the wisest decision I ever made, because he was an insecure, attention seeking individual at the time who spun stories designed to...I'm not sure what they were designed to do, but they ended up bringing an awful lot of people from very different worlds together in strange lasting bonds.
I never really believed his stories, but was drawn to him like an old soul friend. We would talk about life, death, good, evil, religion, philosophy, politics, values, love, family, sex. His parents were one of the few who took me in. Mrs O gave me cough syrup when I was sick and staying with them over choir camp weekend, and I always had a spare room there. Joe introduced me to Kyle, who I then dated on and off until I was 18. Kyle saw me through my uncle's death and then dumped me lol. I was totally into him. We were friends for a long time too. I met Carrie through Joe, who I also lived with and helped with both her little boys, who are 10 years apart. Known her for 12 years now :) A lot of my connections through my teens were due to Joe, and I will always treasure his friendship.
This is the type of music I want to write. Some of my stuff is like that, but I need to cut through some of the BS with myself I think. Need to be more raw with my emotions. I forget that I don't have to polish my feelings the way that I edit my business proposals.
I feel more fulfilled by myself these days. That was what I was going to orinally write about, so I'm gonna put it out there. I think it's because I am paralyzed by fear. Fear of getting hurt again, rejected, dismissed. I want to pretend that it's because I am OK, but it's not. I'm getting happier I know, and the world doesn't feel like it's ending. But it's all a defense mechanism. My heart is still tender and bruised. It's like I've wrapped it up in a cocoon of bubble wrap and bandages to heal with no risk to it. I don't miss him. Really I don't at all. I don't really remember what it was like having him around when we were "together." Because he came back when we weren't an item and lived here, that the memory that is freshest. I miss having someone sometimes. I have to let that marinate for a while, because I am having a hard time deciding whether that is healthy or not. I don't know if missing having "someone" there is another symptom of my self diagnosed "relationship addiction." Don't laugh, I'm being serious. I'm working myself up to the point where I feel confident enough and have the desire to date again. I did a stint - a rebellious stint if aything - in the summer, but it feels like I'm not going to want to do that until the winter's over now. That'll be over one year after C and I split. Is that too long to recover? My god, I think I need a therapist!
My boring side def got the best of me this weekend. Friday I went out with Cam and Matt for a while (Matt is my brother's friend who's staying with us.) Yesterday went out for lunch with a girl who used to work for me before I got the promotion, then out to Airdrie to help J with some work. Stayed in last night, and then turned off he phone again today. Did ALL my laundry, cleaned my microwave, played some Rock Band, read a book... Bo-ring. Whatevs though. Wasn't even a nice boring, more like a lazy, disinterested day. These things happen. I think I'm just gearing up for tomorrow. Tomorrow's a BIG day.
I've had a lot going on. I'd end that sentence with "lately" but it doesn't feel like that. That word implies that only recently I have had a lot going on. It feels like longer than recently. But the recent going ons include the fact that today was my last day in my position with my team in the building that built over 6 years of my career in. Tonight, our company moves to a new place, and so do I. It's crazy. So I don't wanna think about it. I wanna think about sometimes...
I wanna get laid really badly sometimes. LATELY, a lot of the time. It's really funny. Apparently when you're nearing thirty and have been alone for several months, weird things happen. Who knew? Men start to look different to you. You start to think about sex way more than you did as a teenager. Ideas that you would NEVER really consider acting on pop into your head. Like, you're sitting in a lounge having appys with a friend, and see a relatively attractive man at a table a few feet away... and you seriously imagine walking up to his table and asking him to....well, you know....It's horrific.
I'm an introvert sometimes. I know that truly, you are either an introvert or extrovert (personality type wise blah blah science or something) and I am definitely far into that "extro" category, but sometimes I still really want to be alone to recharge. I can't always keep my energy going by interacting and keeping company. Lately, I've just wanted time to myself.
I get on these crazy reading kicks sometimes. Seriously, CRAZY. It'll start with one good book that I get as a gift or pick up because it's caught my eye. Then when I finish it, I'll just want more of it, so I'll go on this mad hunt for every book I can find by the author, and want to read them all in a day! I've done 2 books of a trilogy in 4 days. And I've worked everyday. It's stupid. I was late for work finishing my chapter this morning. I can't help it!
Sometimes I'm scared I really will be the crazy cat lady. I know, therapy right?
Sometimes everything just feels as it should be. Sometimes everything is calm, and peaceful, and in control.Sometimes I feel so damned determined, and so successful at what I've done with myself.I love that place in my life right now.I love payday.No more dread.I love Fridays when I haven't over committed on them. Today isn't one of those Fridays, but I just turned off my phone. The world can go away. I'm enjoying my sometimes right now.
It's insane how time can change things. This is my first day back on my blog since I had to shut it down due to C's prying and judging and bitching.
I read "The Secret" post today, and am so grateful for what I have, and who I am. I was grateful then for companionship that at times I felt I was lacking then. I have been blessed with a whole new realm of this concept. Having Cam live with me, in the absence of C has been so refreshing and honest and loyal and....family. I love who he has become dearly. He's gotta be the funniest dude I've ever met. I've made some great new friendships, and nutured some old ones. And I've been OK being without a man. I am overcoming my relationship addiction, and learning to be good with just me.
I was searching for a career direction. I start a new job in a week. With a fat raise. New car size raise. That feels good.
I am happy to report that I am really OK now. I've had some ups and downs with a lot of the people in my life over the last 9 months. 9 months lol. I've been separated from C for the time it takes to have a baby. Haven't spoken with him in over 2. Mom and I had it out. It was ugly. And I think necessary. And it's been fine ever since. I don't think she worries about me as much anymore.
I truly feel like I am strong. And independent. And OK with standing behind the words that I write, and the feelings I express even months after the fact. I am a work in progress, and I am in a constant state of self discovery and exploration. Everytime that I sit and write, I get the chance to be introspective and honest. I don't have to be perfect with mysef, or anyone else. I hate that C tried to take that from me.
Part of taking care of yourself is setting boundaries, and teaching people how to treat you. I've always thought forgiveness was the right way to go, and jumped right to it. I still think you should always forgive people, especially the ones you love...but sometimes you need to be angry about it, or at least let them know it's not ok. I had a HUGE blowout with my mom, where I screamed and swore and she did the same, and we said we would never speak again...before sitting down and talking out everything. It wasn't my most mature moment, but my mom called J to talk about me, and then told me what J had said about me, and excused it by saying she thought I was on coke... nice. I would never EVER put that shit up my nose. Gross. I don't need that to make me feel happy. I WASN'T happy was the problem, and I wasn't claiming to be, it's just that nobody was asking. And they were both so happy and running around with sunshine and sparkles while I tried to keep up the appearance. And they didn't have to ask, they just shouldn't have assumed that I was in their happy bubble with them, and they certainly didn't have to break my trust. So I stood up for myself. In a big way... it was new for me, and it actually made a difference in my relationship with my mom.
So I laid that to rest, and I went home and thought about it, and realized that regardless of the fact that I think mom and J behaved really shitty and unsupportive for a while, I was still unhappy, which was the ultimate cause of the whole situation. As much as I was entitled to be sad and shaken and need to regroup, I didn't want C to be the cause of anymore drama for me.And I want to be happy. So I think I really decided to forgive him. I kinda had to so I could be happy again.
And that brings me to now, and that's where I'm at. Moving forward, and doing it on my terms. If I fall flat on my face, I have nobody to blame but myself.
That I will pick up C from some creepy downtown location after he parties so hard on his birthday that he wakes up on a sidewalk - sans glasses, car and cell phone
That I will spend a Saturday night alone on my couch not by choice, but out of obligationto stay available and sober in case I get an emergency phone call
That I will dread the weekend because I know the space at home is too crowded for rejuvenation from the work week
That I will be obligated to share my couch on Sunday morning with someone who is still loaded, or anyone for that matter
That I will eat Indian food at 1 am when I get the munchies (SERIOUSLY, NEVER AGAIN!)
That I will have to nag 2 grown men to help tidy up on the weekend
That I will have an immediate "go to" guy to tell me if my new pants make my ass look good, or notice when I do something subtle to my hair
That I will be able to ask someone else to clean up the icky looking hairball behind the couch
That someone will be there to tell me to lock the door behind him as he goes to check out the scary noise in my backyard
That my yard will be mowed for me this year. Come to think of it, I actually have to BUY a lawnmower now
That someone will use up all of the TP in the house and then not buy anymore until I "need" it and it's too late
That an appointment will be missed because someone just didn't think it was important enough
That I will be able to vent to someone who knows me and my feelingsalmost as well as I do
That I will know I can be myself and not be judged - well, not really. It was like walking on eggshells and not voicing my opinions that kept the peace. But sometimes when I'm feeling super sad and things really aren't going well, it's scary to think that I really don't have "that person" in my life. We pretended really well for a long time.
That someone will automatically take care of all bug or pest related issues in my house, mostly without me ever having to know the problem existed
That I'll have instant company on my walmart trip if I want it
That I'll go grocery shopping with a roommate that "forgets" their wallet at the checkout counter
That's right, ONE week to go!! C's moving next weekend, and i won't even be around for it. My friend Amara and I are going out of town with a group of her friends for the long weekend. Funny how sometimes exactly what you need just pops up out of the blue. She called me last night to invite me, and I was like YES! I imagine the whole move out, move on scene would have been sad. And I am so tired of sad. What a perfect opportunity to side step the entire production. I can go away with someone whose company I truly enjoy, meet some new people and return to the carnage that will be left in MY house after he's gone. Then I just clean like a MF, move some furniture, and it's OVER.
I'm applying for a promotion that came up at work. Not getting too excited, I've had some "issues" at work lately (stemming from my irresponsible behaviour that stems from my desire to not be at home) that I think will lead to me not getting this job and having to move elsewhere. The thing is I am fantastic at my job, have done amazing things at that place and have just now hit a wall personally and professionally. It's been really hard to balance and my boss has been fantastic. But I think that I may end up having to make a clean break from everything in order to truly reap the benefits of the GOOD decisions I've made lately.
But I don't even want to think about that part of my life right now. One thing at a time. My mom's been reminding me of that constantly. Get C out of your life, and then tackle the next thing. I'm really excited that the first part will be completed soon.
You know how some songs just really "get" you? Like they were written by a kindred spirit and sent into the universe to provide comfort or understanding when you needed them the most. Maybe that's just me. But at any rate, my life has been a series of songs. Some have helped get me through, some have cheered me on. Some have cried with me, some remind me that there is so much more to life than that.
First of All, the last 5 years of my life with C is definitely deserving of it's own list:
I sang this song at the first Christmas Party C and I went to as a couple. We'd only moved in together a few months prior, and we were so in love! I remember being so nervous that I couldn't eat. And I remember J running up to the front of the stage while I was up there, and rocking out like some sort of retarded groupie. She brought backup with her and everything. Such a great friend for so many years. C and I were really happy then, and I don't want to forget that.
We listened to this album like thirty times on our first road trip. We had so much fun on that trip, camping and fishing and drinking Mountain Crest beer by the flat lol.
Room With A View - Carolyn Dawn Johnson: I can't find this song anywhere on You Tube. But it's the song that I relate to losing C's dad. He was diagnosed with cancer about a year into our relationship, and he came to live with us during treatment. We lost him in 3 months. That's when everything sort of shifted. C's dad asked for this to be played at his wake.
For a long time, this is how I felt about C. And I think it defines what it was like for us to go through losing his dad and finding our way back to each other. The breakdown lay in the fact that he started hiding things, and I was out to lunch.
This was the last concert C and I saw with his dad. And this was going to be our wedding song.
I'm not a big Rihanna fan, this is the only song of hers I like. But it totally fits how I felt when the truth came out...
This song is everything that I feel at my heart of hearts when it comes to C. I've listened to it about a zillion times. It is so true to how it feels to lose something so precious, and know that it's over for good.
This is how I feel when I'm being strong and in charge of my emotions. It's still honest, just a tougher version of me.
Those last 2 are just sort of home hitting heart breakers. I feel that shit right now ROFL.
So now for the rest of my life. There are so many that I'm sure this post will expand in time. But for right now, I know this:
My sister played this song for me the first time I flew out to visit her. I was 16 I think. I fell in love with Marvin. We both still love this song. It's been my favorite for 12 years :)
This is the first Paul Simon song that I fell in love with. I had no idea that it would be the beginning of a life long passion for Paul and his music.
The first country song I ever liked.
I dated this guy in tenth grade for like 2 weeks. It felt like this song lol. That was the first time I remember feeling this way. It's since occurred to me that that moment was an awakening into the world of men.
My buddy Big Sexy and I use to host Name That Tune together. One of us would always spin this tune. It makes me happy. It's Marvin, it's groovy, and the title says it all.
This song is so fun, and reminds me of one of the most hysterical scenes I have ever been a part of. My old friend Renee and I were in the back of Big Sexy's car, I must've been twenty, and we were doing zoomers. It was her first time. Big Sexy was totally straight and driving down this back road away from the cemetery we were just in checking out the meteor shower. In my mushroomy haze, I'm convinced he's doing like 150 kph, and he's really doing 50. So he cranks this song, and Renee and I start singing along, except she thinks it's the George Michael version. When the chorus hits and the screaming starts, Renee starts laughing hysterically. She's crying, and hitting my leg, and I think she may have peed a bit. So funny.
This song is really bittersweet for me. It is a beautiful song. It "belonged" to me and a man that I dated when I was a far different person. I wanted to think that I had helped him through some hard things, and maybe that is true. But he was not very nice to me, and I have more than emotional scars to show for it. After I left, I kept in touch with him long enough for him to take me to Tim's concert. I had a great time there. I never spoke with him again.
Went to this concert with my friend K. She helped me get out of a really bad situation once. She may have helped me save my own life. This song reminds me of some really great times we had together.
I still sing this song to this day. I'm really good at it. And the lyrics speak of something I can relate to.
I was singing this song at my Karaoke show when Blair walked in to see me. We've been playing together ever since. People used to request that I sing it every night at that bar. And I was happy to do it, because they'd LISTEN to me. That was so foreign back then. I still love to sing for people. This song reminds me of myself. Everything about it. I was once very young, and very very stupid. I am wiser now. This reminds me of that.
I fell in love with this song the first time that i heard it. Then right after I got out of my worst relationship EVER, I made out with this really hot guitarist to this song. mmmmm. Need that at that junction of my life :) Then I met D, my ex before C. He loved Blue Rodeo, and I grew to share that with him. I think he was a good man. Just not good for me :) Anyway, this I really relate to this song. It's sexy, it's honest, and it just feels real to me.
Let's see. I danced for 16 years of my life. My mother was a dancer. My sister is STILL a professional dancer ( and not the dirty kind!) And I've closed most of my shows with this song for the past 6 years. It is definitely part of who I am. Plus ,my life soundtrack wouldn't be complete without an homage to Blair, who worships Elton.
The closest thing that I can relate this song to is me and J. Our friendship really is that solid, and that special. But this song is how I want to feel about the man that I marry. And I want him to feel it right back.
Of Course, my soundtrack wouldn't be complete without the music that I've poured straight from my soul. It's not always very good, but my music has always gotten me through. I don't have a lot of it on record. just in my notebooks. But here's a few from years ago.
This song's pretty cheesy. My buddy dan was just picking away, and I had this melody stuck in my head, and we turned on the recorder and just laid this down. Then we laid the keys after. It was pretty funny, so we kept it. Instant song. Cheesy song, but instant song :)
Renee came over one day, and sat down with her guitar, played the first part of this song, and asked for help. I was so moved by it, that I just started to spit out words to finish it. The whole thing took maybe a half hour. I love it, because I remember at the time how honest I felt writing it. We wrote it for Renee and her husband. I understood how she felt, and this song felt powerful to me.
This one's not finished! And ironically enough, I think it's my favorite. I wrote it at the very beginning of this summer fling. I was so attracted to him! And yet we kept toying with each other. I think I was 21. I couldn't quite finish it when I wrote it, I didn't know what I wanted to do with it. And now I think I can hear how it should go.
I think that's enough memory lane for now. This has taken me forever!
I have no idea when C will be walking through the front door. It's unnerving. Any minute the peace could be ruined. And I have a busy day ahead of me. Mom's coming with my new furniture in her friend's truck. And the house is a disaster. And Cam's burnthis had really badly, while the gash I have in my foot from one of my many klutz moves last week is all sore and possibly infected. Both of these things make cleaning and moving furniture a larger task than normal. And C could just walk in, and start a fight.
So it's my last Friday off work. And the last day before C gets home. It's like the last day before my execution.
C is convinced that I've been sleeping with someone while he is away. He got a text message from someone at work that said I was. I'm not. The ironic part is that I've been more "interested" in people other than "said guy" who I'm apparently screwing, and yet C is pretty adamant that "said guy" is who I've chosen to cross that line with. I've been hanging out with someone, but we're not screwing. We've been drinking, and partying, and watching Californication Season 1. ROFL. And while I may find the person that I'm hanging out with interesting, I don't WANT a relationship! So there's nothing to really say about it, except that it is what it is, and I've been enjoying myself and my freedom to do as I please. The ironic part is that I've known this dude for 8 months and we've had a friendship sort of developing the whole time. The majority of that time I've heard about his relationship woes and this is ongoing...which doesn't exactly scream sex to me lol. Not that we haven't considered it. But talking about something hypothetically and acting on it are very different things. And we don't plan to act on it anytime soon. There are some factors that make me feel very "safe" that this line will not be crossed, and it is so disappointing that I can't just go with that, without having ex-boyfriend interference lol. We're both anti-relationship, both needing to take care of ourselves and heal from some crap. We have this in common, which makes it easy to just have fun with no pressure that something more may come of it. Most men that I have been friends with eventually want to "break the rules" and cross emotional or physical lines that are previously drawn. The fact that C hasn't been around has allowed me to explore other sides of that friendship, yes...but not in the way that C thinks.
I don't want to have to explain myself to C. I don't think I'll have to, because he's so convinced that there's some hot love affair going on that he says he's made alternate living arrangements until the end of the month. This would be a great thing if he is actually serious. But I doubt it. He's usually full of it when he says stuff like that. Just does it to mess with me. After he left the first time, he called to say he was coming by to pick up some things, and when he got here, he announced that he was staying. Then he got all bent out of shape when I said that was not acceptable, like he was entitled to be here after leaving the day before!
So he'll more than likely come back, act all holier than thou and we'll fight about it because I won't want the tension in my living space. This will not end well. I will get really angry and cry which he will find satisfying. At one point his family will probably come into the discussion, and I will be made to feel like an ass for having emotions that don't 100% revolve around what he has lost and gone through in his life. This is what we do. I am not speaking about it to set myself up for a self-fulfilling prophecy, but to prepare myself. I know C pretty freaking well and will be shocked if he comes home and doesn't act completely cold and ridiculous. And the ironic part is that he has NO RIGHT to even CARE about what I do now! He bailed on me. He gave our relationship up. He chose his path time and again.
I've been pretty open with C about my emotional status. Since he's been living here, the only way I've been comfortable is to be communicating with him. You can't have an ex as a roommate and pretend that everything is normal. It's already weird enough, so addressing it makes it less awkward. We've talked about how he feels about moving out, and about how much I need it in order to move on. I've told him how hard it's been to deal with the idea of moving on, and how sad I get sometimes. We've talked about how I want to be doing my own thing, and going out with people, and exploring my independence again. I want him to do the same. I've told him how angry I was that he just bailed on his entire life, including me, his job, his cats, his friends...everything. And how I felt like he had such an easy time moving forward, finding his dream job, shopping for a new car, while I was left behind cleaning up the emotional and financial mess. I've told him when he pisses me off and I need space. I cried as I told him how much he hurt me, and I let him hold me as we both broke down and tried to pull through that awful moment. Earlier on after the break up, we had some pretty intense physical moments. We agreed that it didn't change the fact that we will not be getting back together. We were very clear. The decisions that we made in those moments weren't always the best for either of us....but we were sort of "stuck" in the ending of something, and both very emotionally invested. We both needed comfort, and were used to having each other. I think that while that is not necessarily healthy, it's not really abnormal.
All of the things that we went through in the past 6 months were stages, I thought, of emotional recovery. It didn't occur to me that C would be hanging on to those moments as if he still had some sort of ownership of me. Since we'd talked about everything, I really thought he was feeling similar to me, and now I don't know if that is the case. I am feeling more and more like myself again. I laugh more, and I care more about my friends. There were a few months where I found it hard to breathe, and didn't have a lot of energy to keep up with anyone. I'm starting to catch up now. I sang last weekend which was fantastic, and we're getting booked more, so I have a creative outlet again. And I think I'm gaining weight which would be wonderful. I am well on my road to recovery, and just embracing the journey along the way. I want to be better in the end. So I'm just trying to go with it, and live through it. I'm really just trying to LIVE.
Are noisy, smelly and mostly useless. Totally joking. I LOVE men. Not necessarily the ones that I have chosen in my lifetime, but I still hold out hope lol. And I've met enough good ones to know that they really exist. Most of them marry my friends, but I know they're out there, and I'll end up with one eventually. I just have to decide what makes a good man, and based on the number of good ones I've met, I think I'll make a list ROFL.
I want a man who:
Has guy friends and wants me to hang with them occasionally. This is essential. He needs his own friends.
Doesn't need to be around me 24/7.
Buys/owns his own stuff. Like a car. A car would be nice. And a TV maybe...or a computer, or a couch?
Wants to spend the day cuddling in bed with me.
Wants to spend the day in bed with me, and NOT just cuddling.
Buys me flowers.
I can take to a wedding and not have to worry about him getting ridiculously mortifyingly drunk. Will dance with me - even if he doesn't like it, but will anyway because I do.
Will just let me cry when I need to cry. It doesn't happen often, and I don't like being judged when it does.
Genuinely likes my family, and makes an effort to get to know them.
Wants to go out and do things.
Is OK with staying home sometimes too.
Will watch chick flicks with me. I love chick flicks...they get me going lol
Doesn't blame his past, the way he was raised, or his parents for his issues.
Has been through hard stuff, and grown to be better, not bitter.
Will speak his mind, even if I don't like what he has to say.
Will stand up to me, but not have to be mean to do it.
Has had his heart broken. I'm too old to be teaching someone how to love. That, and I don't want to!
Knows what he wants in a woman, and sees it in me.
Doesn't expect perfection, and isn't perfect. God knows I'm not!
Doesn't drink past the "good time" line. Ever. And isn't a mean drunk. Ever.
Is honest even when the truth is hard.
doesn't put dirty pans in the oven to avoid cleaning them (random, but true story. Ends with me just about burning my house down.)
Loves his family.
Is not so attached to his mother that he doesn't really have any room for another woman in his life.
Lets me take care of him when he needs it.
Knows that I can take care of myself and respects that - but stands up for me when he wants to.
Follows through if he commits to doing something.
Will still take me on dates after we've been together for years.
Will compromise. Nothing is ever perfect, and sometimes sacrifices need to be made. I want to be with someone who will meet me in the middle.
Wants to know just as much about me as I do about him.
I was reading my older posts, and laughed at the day that I confessed that C and I are still in love with each other. I haven't been "in love" with him for a very long time. I think when I wrote that, I was trying to find meaning in how weird things were and how I was feeling. I was confused because of the amount of time we spent together (given that we currently share a couch.)
I have tried so hard to be friends with him, but I can't do it. I don't want to do it right now. He's still out of town, and I do not miss him. I am also no longer confused. I am truly grateful for the clarity and peace.
There have been moments and times in the past 6 months that I have really been scared to be on my own. Since he's moved back to finish out the lease, there have been days that seemed almost "normal." We've hung out, watched TV, played Guitar Hero, and things seem reminiscent of when I was in the dark and we were happy. But those days only happen when he doesn't have any accountability or responsibilities to shirk. The minute that I ask him to buy toilet paper because it's his turn, fill up the BBQ propane tank, or not eat my ice cream if he isn't going to buy more, I get INSTANTLY reminded of how much better I am alone than with him. He is a child. If I do not just do everything myself, pay for everything myself, and get shit done, it will not happen. This was my life the entire time I was with him. I am happy to say that I will NEVER do that again.
Not only do I have lasting clarity on what is right for the two of us, I have FINALLY reached a point where I can grow from this! I can look back at those pivotal moments in the relationship, the ones you have in ANY relationship - where you decide to make up or break up, or stick it out when shit gets rocky, or decide whether or not to sacrifice something for the other person - and see where my decisions came from. Some choices were good ones, ones that I had to make to maintain my own integrity. Some came from the totally wrong place. I made choices out of guilt (when I hadn't done anything to be guilty about) and even made some choices against my better judgement when I clearly knew the outcome based on previous experiences.
The biggest lesson that I take from this realization is that I am foolish to negate my own wisdom. I know through vast experience what certain things lead to, and was silly to ever expect different outcomes than what I had already seen. There were defining moments where I chose to stay and really should have walked away. This lesson, I think is actually a redefined sense of self worth, inner peace and confidence.
I will not settle for someone who does not offer what I need to feel happy, loved or safe.
I will trust myself first.
I will speak my mind and my heart.
I will continue to do what is right and what is kind, it's just who I am.
I will ask when I have questions.
I will not project my baggage onto someone else.
I will apologize if I sometimes slip on the previous statement.
I will be strong in my independence, and not allow someone to monopolize my energy.
I had such a lovely time having a long weekend that I decided to take today off to have another 3 day weekend. Then I booked next Friday off as well. I don't get any vacation time over the summer, because I don't want to be on vacay with C around the house, so when I dropped him at the airport, I immediately booked the 2 Fridays he is out of town off work. 3 long weekends in a row, a couple full weeks and then a REAL long weekend. I have got this shit figured out.
I was perving a friend's facebook profile today. He's an interesting bloke. Knows what he wants, knows what he SHOULD want, and pretends they are the same thing lol....don't we all. He's got a note on there, telling a story that I heard from my class instructor 2 weeks before C and I split up.
The story is about a professor in front of his philosophy class. The professor takes a mason jar, places it on the desk, and begins to fill it to the top with big rocks. He can only get like 5 or six in there until the rocks reach the top of the jar. He asks the students if it is full, and they respond, "yes."
He then silently takes a bag full of pebbles, and pours the pebbles into the jar. He shakes the jar, and the pebbles roll in between the spaces of the rocks. He asks the students if the jar is full, and they agree, "yes."
He then takes a box of sand, and wordlessly pours it into the jar. The sand fills the rest of the spaces. He asks the students if the jar is full. They respond with a confident "yes." The professor then takes out 2 cups of coffee, and pours them both into the jar, filling the empty space between the sand.
The professor explains that the jar represents one's life. The rocks are the important things - family, health, friends and passions. If everything else in life were lost and only they remained, one's life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter, like a job, car, house etc. The sand is everything else---the small stuff. If you put the sand in first, there is no room for pebbles or rocks. This is true of life as well. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.
My buddy's story went on to provide some inspirational insight into what you should be doing with your time - seeing your doctor regularly, playing with your children, golfing that extra round - and was really beautiful. The professor ends the lecture by explaining that "The coffee just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem,there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."
When I heard the story in class, it was equally insightful, but followed by this gruesome task of writing down the 16 most important things to me (easy) and then crossing them out until I had 5 "Big Rocks." I remember agonizing over the fact that I had to cross out my wedding. My final list was: C, J, Cats, Mom & Music. I felt so confident in that list. Like they were my "big rocks" and that was important.
So obviously I'm a rock down since my separation. And J's since moved out of town, which doesn't make her any less important, but she certainly takes up less of my time. She's never around anymore. And mom's got this boyfriend now who she's always with. These are all really positive things, and I am totally happy for them. But obviously feeling a little lost in the shuffle. My best friend is getting married. My MOM may be getting married. I'm not sure what I'll be doing next, but it sure as hell will NOT be getting married.
Alice came to the fork in the road.
"Which road do I take?" she asked.
"Where do you want to go?" responded the Cheshire cat.
So Cam and I went to get coffee, and this song came on the radio. I have satellite radio, so we rewound it and listened to it all the way home, dancing away in the car, and giggling like retards. HILARIOUS!!! As the song says, we had a good time...
That song is Cam's ringtone on my phone lol. It is 8 am on a Sunday morning. Cam and I are sitting on the couch - me with the laptop, him with his PS3. The cats are putting on a show, tearing through the house attacking each other. For the most part, it's quiet, it's peaceful, it's really nice. C is still in bed, and I can imagine that this could be what weekend mornings are like on my own. Sometimes Cam will surface, sometimes he'll be doing his thing. But I will be able to just sit, and just BE.
I did OK when C left the first time. Felt pretty good about things some days. Felt pretty shitty other days, but I did OK. I've lost sight of that recently, with all of the "togetherness" that him working from home has brought. This morning feels like a gift. I hope the moment lingers for a while. He goes out of town until the 16th on Tuesday. I'm looking forward to it. I am open to the healing of the heart and soul that can come in 2 weeks of much needed separation. And then only 2 more weeks until I get my home back. Yes, this morning is definitely a gift!
I get so angry with C sometimes. I've just become so intolerant of certain things. I hate it. I don't want to be a reactive person and I try to keep it in check most of the time. But today, I woke up feeling sick, worked all day feeling like ass, and then he did one of the things that I can't STAND anymore. And I flipped out. Oops.
So now, I sit here feeling broken down and exhausted. Not happy with me at this particular moment. As much as I hate it when he disappoints me, I hate it much more when I disappoint myself. Which I've done a lot over the last couple of weeks. I've partied away massive amounts of money and nursed far too many hangovers lately. I'm acting out, and I know it.
I need to do something to create a better living space for my mind, body and soul... I really really need C out now. I can't wait another month. September 1 was the deadline... so technically I CAN wait another month, but this is it. That's some clarity for ya, right there.
I spent a lot of time thinking about what to post today. This song is so pretty. That's why I linked to it. There was no real reason behind it... but now I sit here, listening to the words, and realize exactly how I will feel the day that C finds someone to love who is not me. To me, it speaks of a love lost that wasn't right... but she thinks it might have been right had she been a "better" person. As I listen to the words it seems silly that she doesn't see that it wasn't her fault. That realization doesn't make her pain feel any less real to me. Which makes me think that maybe she DOES realize that it wasn't her fault, but still hurts, and still regrets. LOL, that's a lot to get from one song. I press play again to wallow in my own regret and confusion for 3 and a half more minutes. And then I will be finished with that for now. I think it's important to grieve, and I allow myself time and space to do so. But that time and space needs to be limited, so I set boundaries. Listening to the same sad song that didn't affect me prior to right now three times in a row is enough for now.
OK, now the reason I actually logged on to post. I was gonna post a wish list for myself today. And then that seemed silly. People wish for things on birthday candles. That's not the kind of wish list I want to write. These wishes are more of deep desires or longings. Things that I truly seek for spiritual (??) fulfillment and peace of mind.
What I want to write about reminds me more of this thing my old drummer told me about once called "The Secret." Oprah did this big thingon it a while back. The film trailer is a little melodramatic and the press a bit sensationalizedto say the least. But the guy who told me about it is incredibly grounded and insightful. He's very disciplined in his craft, and doesn't speak unless he has something to say. So I thought about it today as I tried to reframe my thinking into something a bit more meaningful than a thought you make over some candles. I want to live like I HAVE the things that I desire.If I'm not prepared to receive them, they will not come. So insead of making a wish that may get extinguished, I'm "putting it out into the universe" that I am happy to receive it's gifts.
I am grateful for:
Clarity of purpose
Companionship on my path
A new career direction
Security
Lasting clarity on what is right and best for C and I
