Unplugged: It's my blog, I'll be random if I Pretzels!

I don't want another man to move into "my place." I'm tired of being the established one, with the furniture and the dishes and everything in it's place already. If I ever cohabitate again - which sometimes I swear I never will - I want to go out, and find home together. I want to decide on places for things together. I want us both to be invested.

When I read yesterday's post, I felt compelled to edit it so it didn't sound like D didn't WANT me to meet his family. I think he does. He's mentioned me meeting some important people in his life. I don't want to. I might not for a long time. I'm scared of the implications... I don't want to date a family right now.

JUST when I typed that last bullet, this hit me: I met C's parents once or twice, then next thing I know his dad got cancer and we moved across the city and his dad moved in and then his dad died. And a lot of my life after that for the next 3+ years was really, really bunk. And his mom didn't like me. And she was cold, and I always felt judged. My mother however, had enough love and generosity for C to make up for my father's absence. She took him on a family trip, and saved for our wedding. She welcomed him into all of our family traditions and into her home. And I know that he broke both of our hearts when shit went down. So I realize that I'm a head case. I realize that the shit in my past which is currently holding back my present and future is sucky, and that I have the power to let it go so that I can move on. I get the whole "deal with it, and choose to move forward" BS that everyone thinks when on the outside looking in. But I have a new found appreciation for caution and slow steps. So no, I do NOT want to meet D's family.

Coffee with cream liquors such as Godiva's White Chocolate - which is currently in my hand - or the classic Bailey's may be my ticket to a future AA meeting. Except I stop at one or two...and it tastes good???

I'm really hoping that I end up Better, and not Bitter in the end...I'm ashamed that I am not there yet.

I liberated a lawn gnome a couple years ago. His name is Oscar Pompadore Sanchez. I absolutely adore him. J and I have taken him all over the country, and mom took him on an Alaskan cruise...he got into the cockpit when the plane was on the ground. He was at their wedding. He has a cousin named Woody Wilson. His twin brother Oliver lives in D's parent's backyard. This last part is a new development discovered on Thursday. I found him when I went there... we have yet to reunite the brothers.

D speaks French. So he can talk about what he did at work all day en francais, and I think it's the hottest thing ever. Hilarious.

Amara asked me to be a bridesmaid, and I keep coming up with ways to avoid her wedding related activities. I feel really bad about it. I am so tired of bridesmaiding. And weddings.

Dude! Mom brought over crazy amounts of chocolate for Valentines Day. Mom is awesome. She also brought a BBQ chicken and random frozen food items...???... and left with some of the curry I made last night.....?????

I love socks. Matching my socks to my clothing makes for an inexpensive happy place for me.

I am currently leading Matt in Scrabble and he is rapidly gaining on me. Which sucks, because he has won all SIX games.

I have sucked big time at work for the past week and a half because I 've felt so sick... and I still suck because I am still sick. And distracted. And tired. And that's shitty.

My next random thought after that last one is that D has contributed to the tired and distracted... which is causing me to question it again....which will undoubtedly lead to panic. Fuck.

The Bachelor is on tonight. Cam and I call it "Cats in Heat." We also really enjoy "Bitches Who Cry" - or ANTM, "Fat Bitches Who Cry" - The Biggest Loser, and "Crazy Fictitious Bitches" - Desperate Housewives.

I hate it when Matt uses the word Qi in Scrabble. My least favorite move of his.

D is really annoying me right now. And I am pretty sure that this is due to my extreme exhaustion. And I am becoming oversensitive due to it and the fact that he inadvertently or not is putting pressure on me to stay up with him makes me really pissed. The reasonable part of my thinking knows that he's not really pressuring me on purpose, but that part gets smaller as I get more tired.

I am getting much better at scrabble. Current score: 287-285 for me. But it's Matty's turn. He'll kick my ass again.

I hate how depressed being sick makes me. It's been ten days of illness, 2 sick days from work and a shitload of cold meds. I am cranky and bored, with no desire to do anything because everything seems like so much effort. I miss being happy, which is what I was 2 weeks ago.

Unplugged