Where The Rubber Hits The Road

I've spent the last year of my life living in the world of theory. The other side of my brain is currently screaming out "I've been through the fucking wringer, had it all fall apart, been tromped on, crushed and terrified, manipulated, used, tossed aside, loved and hated!!!" - But my current state is now speaking. I've been in a classroom, picking up concepts, adding to my brain's database of skills. Reflecting, computing, analyzing, recognizing, recovering.... not that you ever realize that's what you're doing, not fully. You just feel lost and in transition and insecure and seriously unsure and like something's missing. Life's funny that way. Hindsight and all that babble.

I'm probably not making a lot of sense, so here's a more literal example: I started my leadership courses almost a year ago now. I took the classes with a lot of people who hadn't been leaders for very long, were inexperienced or even not well suited for the role. I watched them take in all of the theory, explore the ideas in class, and make sense of all of this great new information! And then I went back to the office and watched them continue to do business EXACTLY the same way they did prior to the class. They had the knowledge, but didn't know how to (or didn't want to) apply it practically. Their managers had no awareness of the concepts being taught in the classroom, and were not engaged in supporting this learning back at the office. There was never any feedback provided to them regarding their use of the concepts after they had learned them, and they all thought that they had become better leaders just by sitting through the course.

So now these same individuals are my direct reports. And I am tasked with the responsibility of turning them into a high performing leadership team, capable of using all of the tools that theory provides in a real life capacity. I have to SHOW them how to use their knowledge in practice. And first I need them to realize that they are NOT DOING IT ALREADY!!

So, like any good student of life, I take a step back from this situation at work, and apply the lesson to my own life. Have I failed to apply my real life learnings to my real life? Not that this would be a reflection of personal failure. I'd look at it more as an "Ah ha" moment, where I can grow and become better. And right now, I think that my answer to that question would be yes.

And I revert back to my laboratory work environment for further study. I love my new job. My old boss was fantastic to report to. He trusted me, understood that I knew more about the department than he did, tasked me heavily to run the team alone, and allowed me to succeed on my own. I grew SO MUCH, because I already knew how to run a team, and I was challenged to create a high functioning team and develop all of the initiatives from scratch. And by the time that my life blew up, my team had become so self functioning and my job so second nature that I was able to coast through work...which may have been all I was capable of doing for a while. I will always be grateful to him for the essential part I feel he's allowed me to play in my own career development. And he's been a great friend too.

This could be extrapolated to encompass my life until the break up, with me playing the role of my own boss. Made a lot of good decisions, bad ones, struggled a lot, fixed a lot, but really just did what I thought was best to the best of my capabilities and skill levels and grew through all that was thrown at me.

Now my current boss could not be more opposite. I get weekly one on one coaching sessions from him. There are daily quick hits, and clearly defined objectives. His intention is to make me a better coach, and mine to make my supervisors better coaches. We spend hours in his office, him asking me questions designed to make me think and improve, and then I am sent away challenged to be better now that I know more. And I AM better now that I know more. This job is where the rubber hits the road. And I am charged with guiding my team to do the same. It is empowering, exciting, and a little scary. Make it or break it time, opening night.

And my biggest learning this week comes from this new work environment. I can no longer do the same things and expect different results. I am charged with creating a high performing self, and no one will do this for me. I have learned the hard life lessons. And I have seen what happens when people learn concepts, but do not apply them. I know that I am better than that.

It's funny, because I already knew this lesson in theory. I have at times already practiced it in real life. I'm not trying to imply that I've gone 28 years repeating all of the same mistakes and never adapting or growing. I think the point of realization is more of an "I own 100% responsibility for who I become and how I behave" idea. I can't AFFORD to make as many mistakes as I have in my past.

It's time that I become a new type of coach to myself. One that increases awareness of the part I play in my own life, and holds me accountable for my behaviors and the results. One that trusts me, and I can trust, to be honest and forthcoming with the truth.

This realization is not one that came in an instant, but more from my reflections on my behaviours over the past month. I have been far more intentional in my actions, and deliberate because I am looking for specific results. Again, this behavior was first identified at work. But I think the transition happened at home about the same time. I totally trust myself right now.

This is a HUGE relief. I know I can depend on me. I guess in a sick way, I gained that from my experience with C. My being here- in the exact spot, room, chair even where I hit ground zero almost a year ago - and being OK. OK is bloody fantastic if you think about it.

Speaking of C, here's proof of concept one:Guess who showed up at my new office, on the third floor, right in front of me for a good 20 minutes to chat with the big wigs on Thursday!!! Oh yes, we had fun that day! I can't say I completely kept my cool, which I think is to be expected, because he was the LAST person I thought would show up there. I did ask a director if he was looking for his job back, and tell him off the record that I was really uncomfortable with that. And I did get a supervisor to just stand at my desk and look busy so that I didn't have to worry about eye contact.

But I totally did not crumble. And I looked GOOD. And felt good, if not a bit creeped out by it.

And THEN, guess who sent me a text last night!!! A "no need to reply, just wanted to say congrats on the promotion and best of luck to you" bullshit text. I know, bloody ridiculous at this point, but 2 possible attempts to establish contact in 2 days. Again, it creeped me out a little, but that's about it! It felt good that I didn't want to text back at all, not even to just say fuck off.

Old me wouldn't have shown restraint. New me knows I am so much better without him in my life, and I can't just react and tell him to fuck off and expect not to suffer the repercussions of a whole can of worms.

So now that I have all of this new learning, I have to commit to further exploration of the applications. So I am testing the theory of attracting the type of person you think you "should," or getting what you "put out there." I am setting a standard of only sharing my time with people who I trust and trust me, and working on honest and open connections. I think I'm going to be OK, and it's fucking fantastic!