Life sucks, so now I write

Go Figure.... I really need to start writing when my life doesn't suck. But I don't. When life is awesome, I just live it. and when it sucks, I save thousands on therapy by writing.

A week ago, had I been writing and chosen a song to go with my life, if would have been Bless the Broken Road by Rascal Flatts or Marry Me by Train. Why? Because 30 has been awesome. Life has never been better. I've found new balance between life and work - meaning for the first time ever work hasn't been my life. I've also found what's been missing in every partner I've ever had. The person who actually loves me and all of my craziness just as I come. Adam asked me last week what I do at home when I'm alone. I told him I was a PVR junkie, and that I spent hours scouring the internet for unknown music and that I write. He asked if I had written about him. I said no. Of course no.... because why would I ever write when things were awesome? Then I felt stupid for once again abandoning my written self when things were good, and also a little guilty. And stupid again for not having an account of how amazing things have been in my life lately. lots of stupid. lol

The one awesome thing about being injured in a car accident and not being able to take care of myself is that it happened after Adam and I fell in love. I mean, shitty for him I'm sure, because I pretty much suck right now. But as angry as I am at the universe for this current test, I have to be grateful that I'm not in it alone. Somehow he made it to the hospital within minutes of me. He wiped my tears and held my hand while I totally freaked out in the neck brace. He took me across the city so I could sleep in my own bed and came and got me and brought me home with him when I realized I couldn't take care of myself. God knows, I have tested him this week. I've been medicated and insecure and depressed. I've felt sorry for myself and been in denial and done everything that could have possibly made him walk. But he won't. I'm starting to believe that he never will. He always says hell or high water. I think he actually means it.

Ways I can tell I'm getting older

I get annoyed at shit I used to do in my teens. Cam's retarded girlfriend is flirty and spazzy and immature and I want to punch her. I like to think I wasn't ever that irritating but it's tough to tell through my haze of bitterness.

I wanna punch the 20 year old bitch behind the counter of the 7-11 down my street too. She cards me when I buy smokes. I've lived here for a year and been there a couple of times a week. I do NOT appear anywhere near "illegal" and I am OBVIOUSLY OLDER THAN YOU so WTF??!!!

As much as 30 feels like the end of the world, it doesn't feel like the end of the world. I mean, it's 2 months away, how end of worldish can it be? But 15 years ago it was definitely ground zero.

I have less patience than I did in my 20s. That sounds bad, but it's not all terrible. I was a doormat at 20. In love, in life... I let some dude kick the shit outta me for over 2 years back then. Now I get irritated in traffic, demand performance out of my employees and my friends (possibly to my detriment but better than being a punching bag) and make my own magic. Sometimes.

My skin. That is all.

Gravity. Not in mass amounts because I don't HAVE mass amounts of anything, but gravity. I think it's got something to do with my skin.

There are some seriously younger, seriously prettier chicks than me who work for me and that is seriously disturbing.

Everything is not the end of the world. I've seen it, felt it, heard it, gotten through it. And I can again. I don't always wanna do it again, but I can manage if I have to.

I'm not as poor as I used to be. I mean, I suck at managing my money, but I used to have to eat KD and tuna helper. Gross.

I wanna hump way more often than I did in my 20s, but I am far pickier and participate far more rarely. This is a cruel joke.

For my Sister

So you know how when bad stuff happens to good people it makes you re-evaluate things? I think it's like the unwritten eighth stage of grieving. So something bad happened in the form of my friend losing his battle with brain cancer, and I'm in the re-evaluating part. And I need to tell you how special you are. I know it shouldn't take someone dying blah blah blah, and I know you know I love you and vice versa, but I'm gonna tell you how special you are anyway.

We don't talk enough. We're genetically engineered to go where the wind takes us and that doesn't always leave room for keeping in touch. But I love you so much. I can't imagine not having you in my life. I am sooooo happy that our parents made the decision that they did all those years ago to have you and find the right home for you. I am happy that mom knew you were special enough to fight for, and that Sharon and Colin knew you were special enough to wait for.

Because the world is a brighter place with you. It's a little more zany, high energy and hard to keep up with. It's more curious, spiritual and hopeful. You have this way of "rubbing off" on people. You are infectious. People who spend time with you see these amazing qualities in you and want to be a part of it. So they take pieces of you with them, and they are better. You're the kind of person who adds to how brightly others' lights shine.

You dare to dream long after most people would have given up. That quality is also referred to as stubbornness I think. But it's beautiful. It's why you've accomplished all that you have, and why you continue to search for more. And you have so much courage, Tash. I've watched you put yourself out there to to world and be crushed more than a couple of times in the last 14 years. But you just throw yourself in again and hang on for the ride. And please don't think that I think you are reckless... not in a bad way at least. But I guess in a way, you live your life the same way you dance and create - with reckless abandon. Not enough people do that - bounce back every time, look for new adventures or opportunities - in life or in love.

You are an extraordinary woman, Tasha Lawson. I know that you've inspired and impacted so many people and so many lives, and I'm really blessed to be one of them.

Because you are extraordinary in the true sense of the word, you are probably also intimidating as all hell to men. All of the qualities that you share with the world need room in a relationship as well. I speculate that most men aren't really "man" enough for that. You need, and deserve an extraordinary man. If you have found him, or if not when you do find him (because you totally will) he will know how extraordinary you are and cherish that always. And if he takes a while to come around, I need you to know that you are cherished already.

OK, that's how special you are. :) Love you.

Dear John

Fuck me, I love John Mayer. I love his music. All of it. The man just moves me.

I just had a bath with John. Bottle of red, candles, bubbles, the whole nine yards. Was a beautiful thing.

While in the tub, I was flirting dangerously close to the line with someone who lives with his girlfriend. Not in the disrespectful way. In the "he'd been drinking and was looking for validation and I just told him that I'd consider fucking him if he weren't in a relationship which he is so moot point" way. He's smart, attractive, a little cocky which for some reason turns me right the fuck on...and I find it all too easy to call him on his BS and tell him flat out "consider yourself validated let's move on..."

So I'm in the dark place. Still. And I still miss sex. A lot. Frustration makes me say fuck a lot. Fuck.

I went to R's tonight after work. I had left a hoodie there a couple of months ago. So seeing him is always hard and a let down and increasingly easier every time but still a drag. Then I got stuck in traffic for an hour with no a/c in 28 degree weather. On Monday a semi's second trailer unhitched in front of me on deerfoot and I can honestly say that I could have died, so me and and traffic are on the outs. I blame R. Not for the semi, but for getting stuck in traffic. The best part of the whole trip was his brother telling me "You look really good from far away."

Really?

Thanks, Benny.

Fuck.

So I've been gone a while. Long time actually. For the whole 8 months that I was hopelessly in love with R to now...7 months after we broke up and me still a little stupid over him.

So on the great news front, I can safely say that I am over C. Over the hurt, just over that whole thing in my life and moved on. The whole reason that I started this blog in the first place has become a part of my distant past - something that sucked, but I lived to love another day.

...That's where things got sticky for me. I can't express how much I regret not writing through that phase of my life - the love another day part. The happy that I felt, and the way I felt cared for. For a while it felt like the most real, loving relationship I'd ever had... then the chem trails and vaccine conspiracies and New World Order and buying silver and selling his truck and the moving to Australia. Not that R is in Australia. He didn't go. He's doing his thing around town, being 40, smoking dope and waiting for the 40 plus hockey league. (That comment was a little shallow and quoted from my co-worker who was obviously trying to cheer me up.)

Anyways, I'm 30 in a couple of months. Another reason to write, I guess. Somehow I find myself back on my blog, which was my sanctuary when I first started it. 30, heart still stinging from the last one, no idea where to find the next one, and not a lot of drive to start looking. Except I miss sex. A lot. R and I did the casual ex sex thing a few months ago. I'm pretty sure that he's seeing someone else now...so that reopened the gash and cut me off all at once. I'm not a one night stand or ex sex kinda girl anyway. Ok, stopping thinking about it now. My point is, I kinda gave up on men. And that is unacceptable, because I used to LOOOOVE men. I know deep down I STILL LOOOOOVE men. So I will write. Because man hatred is a dark, dark place.

working it out

I've still got lattes
And Red Wine
My best Friends
And my pride

I just can't go wait around and turn around, be something that I'm not

I've got bills to pay
things to say
and all of that
won't go away

You do what you've gotta do
And I'll do what I need to too
And if in the end then it means we're through
I've still got lattes

Check this shit out!

So it's not all that great...but it's mine, I wrote it, and that's Me!!!!!!

Back For Today

I don't have a steady thought process right now, but I have a lot of things I need to get out, so here goes.

I am healed. Or healing. probably still a little wounded if I want to be on the negative side....but really, I am so happy, and don't hurt, and really OK. I truly feel healed. It took me a really long time, and I didn't take the most direct path. I've experienced so many new things, met so many new people, and changed so many aspects of my life to do it. But I'm so over C, and the hurt that he caused, and just want to move forward and be me.

I am changed. I've found my lessons. Again, took me FOREVER. But in this regard, I have arrived.

I am strong. I am a survivor. I am a fighter.

I am also fragile. I deserve to be handled with care.

I don't owe any one anything. I don't need to give someone something just because they ask, or want it. I choose what I want to give, and what I want to accept. And I will bear the responsibility of those choices.

I have a genuine desire to leave people better off through their interactions with me. I have a new need to grow through new people as well. I believe in honesty. I believe in humanity again.

I am not broken because of my failure.

I am better, not bitter.

I am so, so grateful for these things.

So D was a really bad decision that I made along the way. bad because he got way too attached. I was irresponsible with his heart because he wanted so badly for me to do so. He knew the rules of the game - this is not a long term thing, I don't want to belong to someone, I'm living day by day and this is going to end sooner than later.

When it ended, he was fucked up, he still is. And now I'm his boss. STUPID.


The silver lining on that whole cloud is more like a large, bold border. I rebounded, both physically and emotionally. I got what I needed in the short term to start living again. I read over my posts in my time with him, and I CLEARLY see the progression. And while someone was hurt along the way, I can't really own that. I can learn from it, but I certainly did NOT stomp on his heart.

So after I sent D on his way, I hooked up with McDrill, the office stud, referred to previously in the roughneck's game incident. You could bounce a quarter off that ass. Purely sexual, just a couple of times to get it out of my system. Felt SO good to be with a hot dude. Needed that.

Then 2 weeks ago, R entered. And it's everything I didn't expect. I am smitten. And slowly reconsidering my commitment issues. SLOWLY. It's still early, so we'll see. But dating is so much fun, and whatever happens, I know I'll be just fine.

A funny thing happened at the game last Friday

So before I let this one slip, let me prepend it with an important fact: I called it off with D altogether. Wasn't going to work, for practical reasons. Ok, so that's done. Now:

I got randomly kissed by a really hot acquaintance of mine last Friday after the Necks game. Was totally hot. Hilarious. I may see him tonight, so there could be updates lol.

Why I Suck at Commitment (exhibit A, see my blog history)

I have not posted in 3 weeks for a very simple reason. I FAIL At COMMITMENT.


This has included - but not been limited to - the following undertakings... all of which I have been "determined" to stick to at one point or another:


Catholicism quitting smoking, budgets, learning instruments, quitting my job, dinner dates, New Year's resolutions, confrontations, secret keeping, relationships.....and a great big fucking ETCETERA.

I need to start exploring why I do that. And I definitely need to keep writing, and not be so delinquent! I have so many updates...



I'm still a total phreak. I spent $420.00 at the sex toy shop. I have been sexually repressed I guess? I'm liberated now? Or Sarah (mentioned her here when she was in a very different place - now she's divorced and sleeping with 24 year olds. She's my idol.) has just been a super bad influence on me. First the brazilian, now the toy shop. WTF is happening to me?

D and I are backing off a bit. Too much for me. Again, I fail to commit. But this one's different... I'm not willing to repeat certain mistakes and I have to be responsible for my decisions. I'm glad that I haven't let myself get too caught up in it to not think clearly. We're still seeing each other, just less often. Except I saw him Friday and I'll see him tonight. May still be a bit much.... I don't know, I guess we'll see.

Work currently sucks. I don't even want to talk about it.

Oh yeah, and I started writing this post last week, but then never posted it... mainly because I failed to follow through with completion when I first sat down:

Mexico

Wow.... where do I even START!!!

Left on the 14th, got back on mom's birthday, the 21st. It was fucking beautiful. And a drunken disaster.... but when I hear free margharita's oceanside, can you blame me?

For starters, this was the view from the Lobby:


And this was the first of about 200 Coronas I consumed with Cam.... on tap!



The pool....


And here's Oscar in some shade....his hat reacted poorly to the sunlight.


The Beach at sunset....and a rare glimpse of me in a photo. I truly think that being up at 4 am and on a plane all day is one of my best looks.


Oscar at the bar



Still...




My cousin, about 20 minutes before he tied the knot:



The flower girl and ring bearer:


Seriously, they are so adorable


And the beautiful bride:


The ceremony... this was the most perfect wedding I have ever seen.


The first dance - under the stars on the beach: