My boring side

My boring side def got the best of me this weekend. Friday I went out with Cam and Matt for a while (Matt is my brother's friend who's staying with us.) Yesterday went out for lunch with a girl who used to work for me before I got the promotion, then out to Airdrie to help J with some work. Stayed in last night, and then turned off he phone again today. Did ALL my laundry, cleaned my microwave, played some Rock Band, read a book... Bo-ring. Whatevs though. Wasn't even a nice boring, more like a lazy, disinterested day. These things happen. I think I'm just gearing up for tomorrow. Tomorrow's a BIG day.

Sometimes...

I've had a lot going on. I'd end that sentence with "lately" but it doesn't feel like that. That word implies that only recently I have had a lot going on. It feels like longer than recently. But the recent going ons include the fact that today was my last day in my position with my team in the building that built over 6 years of my career in. Tonight, our company moves to a new place, and so do I. It's crazy. So I don't wanna think about it. I wanna think about sometimes...

• I wanna get laid really badly sometimes. LATELY, a lot of the time. It's really funny. Apparently when you're nearing thirty and have been alone for several months, weird things happen. Who knew? Men start to look different to you. You start to think about sex way more than you did as a teenager. Ideas that you would NEVER really consider acting on pop into your head. Like, you're sitting in a lounge having appys with a friend, and see a relatively attractive man at a table a few feet away... and you seriously imagine walking up to his table and asking him to....well, you know....It's horrific.

• I'm an introvert sometimes. I know that truly, you are either an introvert or extrovert (personality type wise blah blah science or something) and I am definitely far into that "extro" category, but sometimes I still really want to be alone to recharge. I can't always keep my energy going by interacting and keeping company. Lately, I've just wanted time to myself.

• I get on these crazy reading kicks sometimes. Seriously, CRAZY. It'll start with one good book that I get as a gift or pick up because it's caught my eye. Then when I finish it, I'll just want more of it, so I'll go on this mad hunt for every book I can find by the author, and want to read them all in a day! I've done 2 books of a trilogy in 4 days. And I've worked everyday. It's stupid. I was late for work finishing my chapter this morning. I can't help it!

• Sometimes I'm scared I really will be the crazy cat lady. I know, therapy right?

• Sometimes everything just feels as it should be. Sometimes everything is calm, and peaceful, and in control. Sometimes I feel so damned determined, and so successful at what I've done with myself. I love that place in my life right now. I love payday. No more dread. I love Fridays when I haven't over committed on them. Today isn't one of those Fridays, but I just turned off my phone. The world can go away. I'm enjoying my sometimes right now.

Some updates. And things i need off my chest.

It's insane how time can change things. This is my first day back on my blog since I had to shut it down due to C's prying and judging and bitching.

I read "The Secret" post today, and am so grateful for what I have, and who I am. I was grateful then for companionship that at times I felt I was lacking then. I have been blessed with a whole new realm of this concept. Having Cam live with me, in the absence of C has been so refreshing and honest and loyal and....family. I love who he has become dearly. He's gotta be the funniest dude I've ever met. I've made some great new friendships, and nutured some old ones. And I've been OK being without a man. I am overcoming my relationship addiction, and learning to be good with just me.

I was searching for a career direction. I start a new job in a week. With a fat raise. New car size raise. That feels good.

I am happy to report that I am really OK now. I've had some ups and downs with a lot of the people in my life over the last 9 months. 9 months lol. I've been separated from C for the time it takes to have a baby. Haven't spoken with him in over 2. Mom and I had it out. It was ugly. And I think necessary. And it's been fine ever since. I don't think she worries about me as much anymore.

I truly feel like I am strong. And independent. And OK with standing behind the words that I write, and the feelings I express even months after the fact. I am a work in progress, and I am in a constant state of self discovery and exploration. Everytime that I sit and write, I get the chance to be introspective and honest. I don't have to be perfect with mysef, or anyone else. I hate that C tried to take that from me.

Part of taking care of yourself is setting boundaries, and teaching people how to treat you. I've always thought forgiveness was the right way to go, and jumped right to it. I still think you should always forgive people, especially the ones you love...but sometimes you need to be angry about it, or at least let them know it's not ok. I had a HUGE blowout with my mom, where I screamed and swore and she did the same, and we said we would never speak again...before sitting down and talking out everything. It wasn't my most mature moment, but my mom called J to talk about me, and then told me what J had said about me, and excused it by saying she thought I was on coke... nice. I would never EVER put that shit up my nose. Gross. I don't need that to make me feel happy. I WASN'T happy was the problem, and I wasn't claiming to be, it's just that nobody was asking. And they were both so happy and running around with sunshine and sparkles while I tried to keep up the appearance. And they didn't have to ask, they just shouldn't have assumed that I was in their happy bubble with them, and they certainly didn't have to break my trust. So I stood up for myself. In a big way... it was new for me, and it actually made a difference in my relationship with my mom.

So I laid that to rest, and I went home and thought about it, and realized that regardless of the fact that I think mom and J behaved really shitty and unsupportive for a while, I was still unhappy, which was the ultimate cause of the whole situation. As much as I was entitled to be sad and shaken and need to regroup, I didn't want C to be the cause of anymore drama for me. And I want to be happy. So I think I really decided to forgive him. I kinda had to so I could be happy again.

And that brings me to now, and that's where I'm at. Moving forward, and doing it on my terms. If I fall flat on my face, I have nobody to blame but myself.