Musings on a strange conversation

I had a conversation with Joe today on Facebook. Old friendships that are steeped in history easily slip into old habits. We haven't had a heart to heart for years, but we had one today. Not so strangely for us, the topic quickly shifted to sex - not that we talk about it all the time, but we've never been shy to broach that particular subject with each other.

It seems that my oldest friend (not age wise, although he will ALWAYS be older than me) has fallen in love with someone who doesn't share his "appetite" for the joys of the flesh. Perfect in every other way he says, so much so that he will marry her in February - after an engagement that started about the same time as mine...3 years by the time they tie the knot.

This conversation then segued into one about me and Joe. More specifically, our promise that if neither of us were hitched by the time we both were 30 (meaning me, as he crossed that bridge first,)we would get married to each other. The Back-up system... young, naive, hopeful, and confident that we would be settled with kids by then, or I was at least. I think Joe somehow thought that if he were lucky enough to see me turn 30 and not be hitched, he'd jump at the chance. I was a 16 year old girl, fun and flirty and cute. He was an 18 year old choir geek. We both thought I'd go first.

So Joe makes a comment about how he's leaving it to the wire, as I'll be 29 when he ties the knot.

I counter with some offside reference to how it's actually dawned on me that I don't have a backup plan anymore.

He then takes the ball and runs with it, confessing that he still hasn't made it halfway through his list of "women from the nineties that I wanna do."

I - never one to shy away from pointing out the bright pink elephant in the room - ask if I'm on the list. I confess that I would actually be disillusioned if I weren't on the list. Joe spent half of the nineties pining over me not so secretly, like most guy best friends do in high school. There would be something wrong if ten other women beat me out in that decade.

He (of course) alludes to the idea that I shouldn't have to ask about my status on the list.

~I need to interject to comment on how obviously harmless we are being throughout the conversation. Complete tongue in cheek from both sides. We slip into old habits of young silly conversation because it's funny now, and because honestly, we've always found it funny. No ill will or disrespect is intended toward anyone who may be "involved" with either of us. ~

I then take the conversation to a different place, back to heart to heart land.

"People change Joe, and my perspective on relationships certainly has. But I gotta tell you, the core of who you are stays the same, and you are NOT one to opt out of the physical side of a lifelong partnership."

He starts to explain to me that they have explored the idea of him looking outside the relationship. He explains that she wants him to be happy, but that she does NOT want to know about it.

It is at that point that I have to check myself. I cannot continue to be honest with my friend about my "opinions" on his relationship, and need to accept and support. I can't speak out loud what every fibre in my brain is shouting...THIS IS NOT A GOOD WAY TO START A MARRIAGE!!! And I scold myself for judging, knowing even as I am thinking it that I cannot possibly know the dynamic of the relationship, or understand the choice because I am not in it or making it. I have only one experience to base it on, and the experience is jaded in shades of C. Long, Generous brush strokes of C choosing not to have sex with me for up to six month intervals throughout our entire relationship. I never counted days between, only weeks and upward. I harbor bitterness about that, and what I allowed it to do to my self image, and my spirit. I'm human, and terribly imperfect. And C's choice to create this situation for me could be very different than the circumstances of Joe's relationship. Apparently there are some physical limitations there. I'd call bullshit, and tell her to go see a doctor, but I guess she already has.

At the time that I wasn't getting any with C, I told myself that the rest of the relationship made it worthwhile. I honestly think I would have married him knowing full well that I would be unsatisfied. Now that I'm free, I can't EVER imagine giving up that part of me! It's part of what helps love to flourish, it's part of being human. And I wonder if Joe IS just fooling himself thinking that they'll work it out. I hope he is not. I hope they are deliriously happy.

The conversation - although filled with innuendos and light hearted jabs - sparked a lot of musings in me. Another amazing thing about long friendships is that you come to a point in "knowing" each other where you're so safe in that understanding that any conversation can provoke thought and reflection. You KNOW that the other person will get it. Joe and I openly discussed my issues with my previous sex situation (in terms of how it ended up for me in the long run,) while just not addressing the parts he's not ready to talk about in his.
And in reflection, I have other questions in my mind about our chat.

Is every relationship doomed to fail because of our rabid desire to experience first hand, instead of relying on those who have made similar choices before us?

I know better than to commit to a relationship with a man who isn't into having sex with me. In the long run, that's too hard on me, and he wouldn't be a good fit. BUT I only know this after I went there, and it hurt. I know it sounds clinical, but Joe would make an interesting case study. We have similar drives, similar backgrounds, and similar beliefs. I hope my theory is wrong, because I want him to be happy...but I guess time will tell?