My life's become an unplugged version of my favorite song - it strayed a little from the course, it's not quite what I expected and different than what I am used to, yet somehow better.
C's threatening legal action of some sort. Not sure what he is trying to gain. Very strange. He's such an ass. Gay.
I ordered a bunch of stuff from Victoria's Secret. Dress pants, sweaters and such. It came yesterday, and I'm pretty happy about that. My ass looks good in the pants, they fit really well. Yay.
D's coming over tonight, which is nice. Californication and cuddling. Yay.
I'm still stuffy and have a sore throat from that cold I had. Gay.
I've gotten crazy good at scrabble. Yay.
I had a blast at my girlfriend's birthday party last night. Yay.
I'm going for dinner tomorrow night to celebrate her birthday with a different group of friends. Should be yummy. Yay.
ANTIDOTE. That was the word I spelled for 70 beautiful points in the scrabble game I finally won against Matty. Final Score, 355 - 297. Ha!
I Feel SO much Better. I can think clearly, and breathe again. I don't feel exhausted, and overwhelmed. Yay for not being sick!
Amara came over last night and we started planning the wedding. Got halfway through a spreadsheet and 2 bottles of red in.... then at 9 I fell asleep on the couch. Just getting over a cold + being worn out + wine = sleep.
We had a really good time though. Her mom in law had ten llamas and a cougar killed 2, and she's really sad. So here's Amara, 4 glasses into it already, hiding in my bathroom trying to mourn llamas with her MIL. Pretty funny. Sad for the llamas, but that's sort of what cougars do.
I had a total wineover this morning.Ick.
Drank some water, ate some eggs benny with my boss and his Admin, and sucked it up through the day. I was fine once I got going...lol. Had a good day at work, gonna play some guitar and watch some Grey's Anatomy. I get to sleep in with D tomorrow. Amara and I will work on the wedding some more, and then we're s'posed to go out.
I really need some healthy rest, but other than that...
I don't want another man to move into "my place." I'm tired of being the established one, with the furniture and the dishes and everything in it's place already. If I ever cohabitate again - which sometimes I swear I never will - I want to go out, and find home together. I want to decide on places for things together. I want us both to be invested.
When I read yesterday's post, I felt compelled to edit it so it didn't sound like D didn't WANT me to meet his family.I think he does.He's mentioned me meeting some important people in his life. I don't want to. I might not for a long time. I'm scared of the implications...I don't want to date a family right now.
JUST when I typed that last bullet, this hit me: I met C's parents once or twice, then next thing I know his dad got cancer and we moved across the city and his dad moved in and then his dad died. And a lot of my life after that for the next 3+ years was really, really bunk. And his mom didn't like me. And she was cold, and I always felt judged. My mother however, had enough love and generosity for C to make up for my father's absence. She took him on a family trip, and saved for our wedding. She welcomed him into all of our family traditions and into her home. And I know that he broke both of our hearts when shit went down. So I realize that I'm a head case. I realize that the shit in my past which is currently holding back my present and future is sucky, and that I have the power to let it go so that I can move on. I get the whole "deal with it, and choose to move forward" BS that everyone thinks when on the outside looking in. But I have a new found appreciation for caution and slow steps. So no, I do NOT want to meet D's family.
I smoke too much. And I have a thousand reasons not to.
Coffee with cream liquors such as Godiva's White Chocolate - which is currently in my hand - or the classic Bailey's may be my ticket to a future AA meeting. Except I stop at one or two...and it tastes good???
I'm really hoping that I end up Better, and not Bitter in the end...I'm ashamed that I am not there yet.
I liberated a lawn gnome a couple years ago. His name is Oscar Pompadore Sanchez. I absolutely adore him. J and I have taken him all over the country, and mom took him on an Alaskan cruise...he got into the cockpit when the plane was on the ground. He was at their wedding. He has a cousin named Woody Wilson. His twin brother Oliver lives in D's parent's backyard. This last part is a new development discovered on Thursday. I found him when I went there... we have yet to reunite the brothers.
D speaks French. So he can talk about what he did at work all day en francais, and I think it's the hottest thing ever. Hilarious.
Amara asked me to be a bridesmaid, and I keep coming up with ways to avoid her wedding related activities. I feel really bad about it. I am so tired of bridesmaiding. And weddings.
Dude! Mom brought over crazy amounts of chocolate for Valentines Day. Mom is awesome. She also brought a BBQ chicken and random frozen food items...???... and left with some of the curry I made last night.....?????
I love socks. Matching my socks to my clothing makes for an inexpensive happy place for me.
I am currently leading Matt in Scrabble and he is rapidly gaining on me. Which sucks, because he has won all SIX games.
I have sucked big time at work for the past week and a half because I 've felt so sick... and I still suck because I am still sick. And distracted. And tired. And that's shitty.
My next random thought after that last one is that D has contributed to the tired and distracted... which is causing me to question it again....which will undoubtedly lead to panic. Fuck.
Matty just passed me in scrabble. SHIT! FOCUS!
The Bachelor is on tonight. Cam and I call it "Cats in Heat." We also really enjoy "Bitches Who Cry" - or ANTM, "Fat Bitches Who Cry" - The Biggest Loser, and "Crazy Fictitious Bitches" - Desperate Housewives.
I hate it when Matt uses the word Qi in Scrabble. My least favorite move of his.
The girl who plays April in Definitely, Maybe is an uberhottie.
D is really annoying me right now. And I am pretty sure that this is due to my extreme exhaustion. And I am becoming oversensitive due to it and the fact that he inadvertently or not is putting pressure on me to stay up with him makes me really pissed. The reasonable part of my thinking knows that he's not really pressuring me on purpose, but that part gets smaller as I get more tired.
I am getting much better at scrabble. Current score: 287-285 for me. But it's Matty's turn. He'll kick my ass again.
I hate how depressed being sick makes me. It's been ten days of illness, 2 sick days from work and a shitload of cold meds. I am cranky and bored, with no desire to do anything because everything seems like so much effort. I miss being happy, which is what I was 2 weeks ago.
I have been so sick for the last week that I have nothing to really write about. On Friday I think I narrowly escaped death. My head and body have the ache that comes with recovering from a bad cold, and my thoughts are still kind of fuzzy.
I've played a lot of scrabble this week on facebook with Matt. And Yahtzee on my phone. And I've slept a lot, and taken a lot of NyQuil. And I let D take care of me. A lot. It's a really scary place to be in, but I can't help but love him. He's thoughtful and attentive. This in itself is strange and appreciated. He is totally great in bed. Not great like a bedroom superstar who's been around the block enough to know all the moves, but great in a giving, wanting to learn, all about me way. He is patient and understanding and open. All of these things aren't what I have appreciated in my exes. It was humor, and charisma, and passion before.... Not that D doesn't have these, but it's not why I'm in it. As gay as this sounds, I think what's really got me about D is that I feel cherished. I feel like I'm important enough for him to want to fit into my life, and I think he is intentional about treating me well so that I will stay in his life.
If I look back, I've been really good at squeezing into a man's life wherever he would fit me, or needed me. With C, it was the "living together" parts like the rent break, Having a house for himself and his family when needed, and having me pay for more than my share. With his personal time, and self, he was not as sharing. His family, his band, his whatever was going on at the moment was always very critical.
Same thing happened with D and R before C. I've always had a place and a purpose in my lovers' lives. I don't want to be typecast anymore. I have a very established life now, and it's about time that someone made sufficient room for me. I have to admit that it's comfortable that D is more integrated into my life than vice versa. I haven't met any of his family or friends. And for now, that's perfect. It's just for me and D. We don't need the pomp and circumstance of everyone knowing that we're in a relationship. I really like that it's private, just me and him.
So sick this week. Don't recall being this sick for a long time. So, so sick. I have a cold, or a flu, or the plague. Jury's still out. And for the past days - while my head has ached, and my nose has run, and my puffy red eyes continue to water - someone's been taking care of me. What a weird feeling. It's embarrassing, and foreign. But I just got to the point where I felt so horrible that I gave in to it. And I gotta admit, it was nice being taken care of. Meant I got to eat for one thing. Normally if I were this sick I'd live on microwaved chicken noodle soup because I'd be to weak to cook anything else.
So I still feel like death - yesterday and today have been the worst of it - and I'm at home alone. slept all day, Cam's on food duty, and I'll probably sleep all weekend. I don't really have a lot of excitement to blog about. Sick life is boring. Except I switched to Firefox today. Yay!
I had a conversation with Joe today on Facebook. Old friendships that are steeped in history easily slip into old habits. We haven't had a heart to heart for years, but we had one today. Not so strangely for us, the topic quickly shifted to sex - not that we talk about it all the time, but we've never been shy to broach that particular subject with each other.
It seems that my oldest friend (not age wise, although he will ALWAYS be older than me) has fallen in love with someone who doesn't share his "appetite" for the joys of the flesh. Perfect in every other way he says, so much so that he will marry her in February - after an engagement that started about the same time as mine...3 years by the time they tie the knot.
This conversation then segued into one about me and Joe. More specifically, our promise that if neither of us were hitched by the time we both were 30 (meaning me, as he crossed that bridge first,)we would get married to each other. The Back-up system... young, naive, hopeful, and confident that we would be settled with kids by then, or I was at least. I think Joe somehow thought that if he were lucky enough to see me turn 30 and not be hitched, he'd jump at the chance. I was a 16 year old girl, fun and flirty and cute. He was an 18 year old choir geek. We both thought I'd go first.
So Joe makes a comment about how he's leaving it to the wire, as I'll be 29 when he ties the knot.
I counter with some offside reference to how it's actually dawned on me that I don't have a backup plan anymore.
He then takes the ball and runs with it, confessing that he still hasn't made it halfway through his list of "women from the nineties that I wanna do."
I - never one to shy away from pointing out the bright pink elephant in the room - ask if I'm on the list. I confess that I would actually be disillusioned if I weren't on the list. Joe spent half of the nineties pining over me not so secretly, like most guy best friends do in high school. There would be something wrong if ten other women beat me out in that decade.
He (of course) alludes to the idea that I shouldn't have to ask about my status on the list.
~I need to interject to comment on how obviously harmless we are being throughout the conversation. Complete tongue in cheek from both sides. We slip into old habits of young silly conversation because it's funny now, and because honestly, we've always found it funny. No ill will or disrespect is intended toward anyone who may be "involved" with either of us. ~
I then take the conversation to a different place, back to heart to heart land.
"People change Joe, and my perspective on relationships certainly has. But I gotta tell you, the core of who you are stays the same, and you are NOT one to opt out of the physical side of a lifelong partnership."
He starts to explain to me that they have explored the idea of him looking outside the relationship. He explains that she wants him to be happy, but that she does NOT want to know about it.
It is at that point that I have to check myself. I cannot continue to be honest with my friend about my "opinions" on his relationship, and need to accept and support. I can't speak out loud what every fibre in my brain is shouting...THIS IS NOT A GOOD WAY TO START A MARRIAGE!!! And I scold myself for judging, knowing even as I am thinking it that I cannot possibly know the dynamic of the relationship, or understand the choice because I am not in it or making it. I have only one experience to base it on, and the experience is jaded in shades of C. Long, Generous brush strokes of C choosing not to have sex with me for up to six month intervals throughout our entire relationship. I never counted days between, only weeks and upward. I harbor bitterness about that, and what I allowed it to do to my self image, and my spirit. I'm human, and terribly imperfect. And C's choice to create this situation for me could be very different than the circumstances of Joe's relationship. Apparently there are some physical limitations there. I'd call bullshit, and tell her to go see a doctor, but I guess she already has.
At the time that I wasn't getting any with C, I told myself that the rest of the relationship made it worthwhile. I honestly think I would have married him knowing full well that I would be unsatisfied. Now that I'm free, I can't EVER imagine giving up that part of me! It's part of what helps love to flourish, it's part of being human. And I wonder if Joe IS just fooling himself thinking that they'll work it out. I hope he is not. I hope they are deliriously happy.
The conversation - although filled with innuendos and light hearted jabs - sparked a lot of musings in me. Another amazing thing about long friendships is that you come to a point in "knowing" each other where you're so safe in that understanding that any conversation can provoke thought and reflection. You KNOW that the other person will get it. Joe and I openly discussed my issues with my previous sex situation (in terms of how it ended up for me in the long run,) while just not addressing the parts he's not ready to talk about in his.
And in reflection, I have other questions in my mind about our chat.
Is every relationship doomed to fail because of our rabid desire to experience first hand, instead of relying on those who have made similar choices before us?
I know better than to commit to a relationship with a man who isn't into having sex with me. In the long run, that's too hard on me, and he wouldn't be a good fit. BUT I only know this after I went there, and it hurt. I know it sounds clinical, but Joe would make an interesting case study. We have similar drives, similar backgrounds, and similar beliefs. I hope my theory is wrong, because I want him to be happy...but I guess time will tell?
I don't even know what to write about today. It's Saturday. I'm chillin at home. Playing Facebook scrabble with the roommate who moved out last weekend. Feeling antisocial. I'm really confused. And I knew that this was what was going to happen. I'm not ready for anything real. I have panic attacks, which cannot be good. I need to take a step back before I totally freak. I hate that I've become so cautious, but it's the only way I know how to keep my shit together.
It's not that I totally want to bail, I'm happy with the way things are. I'm just feeling really far too invested far too soon, and I need to breathe. I can't just throw caution to the wind and go with it...
So I will take the weekend to myself, and try to keep perspective. You can only ever deal with the "now" and right now there's no reason to panic. Cam and I will hang tonight, I'll stay at home for the comfort of it. And tomorrow will bring what it brings...
Dear non-boyfriend with whom I have spent the last 3 weeks of my life secretly dating,
I didn't want to be in love. I didn't want to be with someone...with anyone. I never wanted someone to buy me coffee before work, or bring me ice cream, or ask to spend a day off just doing regular things with me like getting my car an oil change and taking Cam to apply for passports. I didn't want someone to get into my stupid reality TV shows with me, and ask to be caught up on Californication, Lost, Big Love and 24. I didn't want someone to come over and totally dig my cats, and think I'm sexiest when I'm in pyjamas, or be totally cool with me just sitting and playing the guitar....poorly. I never wanted someone to get to know my body so well, and be so in tune with my responses, or someone who actually spent enough time and effortlearning those things. I never asked to be heard by someone so completely, or to have an effortless conversation about anything with anyone. I never wanted to feel safe and connected and totally in the right place and the right moment whenever I am with a person; to feel guarded and defenseless all at the same time. And I certainly didn't ask for any of that at this point in my life.
So I really hope you know what you've gotten yourself in to.
I've spent the last couple of hours imagining. Thinking about what could be going on in my life right now. Picturing. Projecting myself into it, and experiencing it.
I'm trying to fathom the idea of being in a relationship. One where there is caring, and touching, and looking out for each other. One with discussion, and similar perspectives, and complimenting traits. One with listening, and questioning, wanting to "know." One with patience, and imperfection, and humanness; with compromise, and consideration, and "thereness."
It terrifies me. Too much to risk. Too much to gain, and then lose. But I know I'll do it anyway. And I'm pleading in my mind that he just be smart enough to walk away before it's irreversible... because I'll do it, and then be in too deep to walk away myself.
I can't give you what you're looking for
In too deep to walk away
too far gone to ever stay
There's no way, no way to win
I swerved but you crashed into me
right into a trainwreck
People like to rubberneck
And they're already staring, already staring at me
