Why I Suck at Commitment (exhibit A, see my blog history)

I have not posted in 3 weeks for a very simple reason. I FAIL At COMMITMENT.


This has included - but not been limited to - the following undertakings... all of which I have been "determined" to stick to at one point or another:


Catholicism quitting smoking, budgets, learning instruments, quitting my job, dinner dates, New Year's resolutions, confrontations, secret keeping, relationships.....and a great big fucking ETCETERA.

I need to start exploring why I do that. And I definitely need to keep writing, and not be so delinquent! I have so many updates...



I'm still a total phreak. I spent $420.00 at the sex toy shop. I have been sexually repressed I guess? I'm liberated now? Or Sarah (mentioned her here when she was in a very different place - now she's divorced and sleeping with 24 year olds. She's my idol.) has just been a super bad influence on me. First the brazilian, now the toy shop. WTF is happening to me?

D and I are backing off a bit. Too much for me. Again, I fail to commit. But this one's different... I'm not willing to repeat certain mistakes and I have to be responsible for my decisions. I'm glad that I haven't let myself get too caught up in it to not think clearly. We're still seeing each other, just less often. Except I saw him Friday and I'll see him tonight. May still be a bit much.... I don't know, I guess we'll see.

Work currently sucks. I don't even want to talk about it.

Oh yeah, and I started writing this post last week, but then never posted it... mainly because I failed to follow through with completion when I first sat down:

Mexico

Wow.... where do I even START!!!

Left on the 14th, got back on mom's birthday, the 21st. It was fucking beautiful. And a drunken disaster.... but when I hear free margharita's oceanside, can you blame me?

For starters, this was the view from the Lobby:


And this was the first of about 200 Coronas I consumed with Cam.... on tap!



The pool....


And here's Oscar in some shade....his hat reacted poorly to the sunlight.


The Beach at sunset....and a rare glimpse of me in a photo. I truly think that being up at 4 am and on a plane all day is one of my best looks.


Oscar at the bar



Still...




My cousin, about 20 minutes before he tied the knot:



The flower girl and ring bearer:


Seriously, they are so adorable


And the beautiful bride:


The ceremony... this was the most perfect wedding I have ever seen.


The first dance - under the stars on the beach:

I'm Becoming a Phreak

I got a brazilian wax yesterday. For cereal. Not joking. Me, waxed from the waist down.

I spent a thousand dollars at VictoriasSecret.com. They have great pants, and I got some skivvies too. And I don't really regret it. I could afford it, and I got some great clothes for work, and I LOVE lingerie! Can't help it!!!

I don't think I would have done either of those things a year ago. as of Feb 29th (which didn't exist this year) C and I were separated for a year. Yay me. Boo him for still being retarded. But hey, a year of freedom is a celebration, and I am grateful.

My cousin gets married in a week in Mexico. And I'm Going. I'm pretty fucking stoked, can't lie.

So today I'm doing laundry, cleaning house and making sure I have everything I need for the trip.... and feeling like a phreak for how naked my parts are.

Identity Crisis

Holy Fuck is this "finding oneself" ever an exhausting plight. and now I don't even know if it's so much a matter of "finding" as it is "deciding."

There is so much that goes into who someone is. Behavior, thoughts and tendencies.....Taste, talents, hopes and dreams.... Opinions, shortcomings, presentation... Jebus Murphy, where to start???!!!

Are we born with everything decided, or is it how we are raised? Can we choose it, or is it just the way we are? Can we learn from the past to avoid the same "way of being" in the future? And then, by choosing who we are based on our lessons learned, does that create "justifiable and acceptable bitterness"?

~That last thought made me think that the author of this blog is fucked right up ~