White Christmas

Dear Northeast Calgary rush-hour driver,


It's OK. I know that you are having a hard time with your all season tires and your mini van. I know the temptation to lane dive, cut people off, stop mid-intersection and create your own lane over the sidewalk is far too great to overcome. You have places to be, people to see, and the roads are so bad that you just don't even know what to do with the 4 tonnes of metal that you are bopping around town in. So I have a solution for both of us:

STAY THE F&#K OFF THE ROAD UNTIL THE SNOW MELTS!!!




Dear last minute shopper,


Your kids are gonna hate you when you can't find anything they wanted for Christmas on Dec 24. Rain checks are not accepted at Christmas. Please read the paragraph above, and then learn to shop online, and be finished by August. Procrastination is not an excuse for ignorance.




Dear Santa,

I wasn't a very good girl this year. I swore, lied, fought, and had impure thoughts. I don't want a pony, or a fire truck, or a power tool. Ok, I always want power tools, but I know I've been bad. But seriously, can I at least get a spanking?

Dear God,

Thank you for sending your son to us, just so he could die for us, and we could still make a mess of the world. I'm sorry that we haven't done you justice, and plan to be better next year.

Sincerely, Me

The Hilarious Effects of Time

I started to write a totally different post, but I had his song in mind, and when I started to listen to it, my thought process went with it....

First of all, if you haven't opened the link to listen to it, stop reading, and do it. Love it? How could you not? So I'm bopping along (which I look ridiculous doing, but do all the time anyway) and singing along (which I also do incessantly) and I realize that this song makes me think of C. And not entirely in an angry way. More in a "time makes everything seem less severe" way. It's like I WANT to be able to think fondly of him, so I'm edging into that general territory. Hilarious. If my girlfriends were to know that, they'd flip out.

I have a thing for the way Jason Mraz writes. He reminds me of Paul Simon. Some of his stuff is way out there, and some is so honest. But it all sounds real and true to who he is. This song reminds me of some of my greatest friendships in the intellectual way. I've had some crazy deep convos in my life with some unique individuals. With what C and I went through, some of our connections definitely make the list. Sometimes I think J and I may know eachother inside out, which is sometimes not fun. Lately me and Sarah have had a few moments. This little lady who worked for me I call Mrs. B and I have shared some tears, fears and cheers together. I think the conversations that contributed to who I am more than any others were the ones with Joe.

Between the ages of 15 and 18, I relied on Joe for insight, honesty and reflection more than any other human being. Which may not have been the wisest decision I ever made, because he was an insecure, attention seeking individual at the time who spun stories designed to...I'm not sure what they were designed to do, but they ended up bringing an awful lot of people from very different worlds together in strange lasting bonds.

I never really believed his stories, but was drawn to him like an old soul friend. We would talk about life, death, good, evil, religion, philosophy, politics, values, love, family, sex. His parents were one of the few who took me in. Mrs O gave me cough syrup when I was sick and staying with them over choir camp weekend, and I always had a spare room there. Joe introduced me to Kyle, who I then dated on and off until I was 18. Kyle saw me through my uncle's death and then dumped me lol. I was totally into him. We were friends for a long time too. I met Carrie through Joe, who I also lived with and helped with both her little boys, who are 10 years apart. Known her for 12 years now :) A lot of my connections through my teens were due to Joe, and I will always treasure his friendship.

This is the type of music I want to write. Some of my stuff is like that, but I need to cut through some of the BS with myself I think. Need to be more raw with my emotions. I forget that I don't have to polish my feelings the way that I edit my business proposals.

I feel more fulfilled by myself these days. That was what I was going to orinally write about, so I'm gonna put it out there. I think it's because I am paralyzed by fear. Fear of getting hurt again, rejected, dismissed. I want to pretend that it's because I am OK, but it's not. I'm getting happier I know, and the world doesn't feel like it's ending. But it's all a defense mechanism. My heart is still tender and bruised. It's like I've wrapped it up in a cocoon of bubble wrap and bandages to heal with no risk to it. I don't miss him. Really I don't at all. I don't really remember what it was like having him around when we were "together." Because he came back when we weren't an item and lived here, that the memory that is freshest. I miss having someone sometimes. I have to let that marinate for a while, because I am having a hard time deciding whether that is healthy or not. I don't know if missing having "someone" there is another symptom of my self diagnosed "relationship addiction." Don't laugh, I'm being serious. I'm working myself up to the point where I feel confident enough and have the desire to date again. I did a stint - a rebellious stint if aything - in the summer, but it feels like I'm not going to want to do that until the winter's over now. That'll be over one year after C and I split. Is that too long to recover? My god, I think I need a therapist!