Tomorrow

Today's Tunes:

Go Here and play track 7. THEN play Track 1. Sillan & Young - Tomorrow, and Under My Feet. Just found them. I have an old roommate who played in the original line up of a world class fiddling group, and Aaron ("Young" of the duo who recorded this) joined at one point. Sometimes I look them up to see what they're up to, because they were such a talented group, and just kids at the time. Hell, Alli (roommate) and I were only 16!

I missed my deadline of writing happy thoughts "tomorrow" (which would have been yesterday,) so I'm doing it today. I feel like I'm currently writing my "issues episodes" almost systematically! Working on myself, on my relationships and getting out frustrations and honest (if not always altruistic) thoughts and feelings. I've been holding back on acknowledging what is going really well in my life. I want to keep that part to myself, and my thoughts. Maybe because it's scarier to lose when you say things out loud?

What really makes me excited about my life right now is today. Every day, it's just today. It's what I am doing in the moment. I have been guarded with my choices lately. Cautious with how I spend it, and who I spend it with. And wherever I happen to be, I commit to "being present." Just being there, with no interruptions.

Being careful with where I am and who I am with isn't a bad thing. Sometimes I cancel weekend plans if my life has seemed too busy and I need down time. I used to feel really guilty about things like that, but now I just feel like I want quality relationships in my life, and I want to be disciplined in my actions - intentional about what I am trying to achieve. And if I burn out, I can't do that.

I'm really excited about tomorrow too. Every Tomorrow, really. The potential of the future, and the distance it places between me and the past. I know that when I wake up tomorrow I will be free of unwanted obligation. I will go to a job that I truly enjoy with people I honestly like. I can choose where I spend my weekend, and that choice is 100% mine, with no one to consider but myself. And I'm heading out to Banff for girls' weekend, which I'm really looking forward to. I can choose to be alone if I want. Really, the choice would be mine to not sleep alone if I thought it was a good idea (which I don't objectively think it's a good idea, but there are things that I'm not talking about yet - to be saved for another episode of my issues lol.)

I'm being far more honest with myself. Emotionally aware - emotionally intelligent really. And I know that I'm still really guarded, and also of the impact that would have on another person if I were to enter into a "relationship" right now. I have to have boundaries set in every area of my life, and I don't want anyone taking over my life...which is how I know it would feel right now. It feels really good to be happier "single" than in the wrong relationship - or any relationship really.

My brother and our current roommate make me laugh so much. They are so fun to be around. And my relationship with my brother is the bomb. He was a total shit growing up, so it's really cool to have a man in my family who loves me more than anything and would do anything for me. And that's what my brother has become. Well, I use the term "man" loosely, but he's become an honest, loving and loyal brother, and a great friend to me.

I have discovered the power that I have in choice. I feel more empowered, in control and committed to myself that I ever would have thought possible! I have so many great things to look forward to, and come what may, I know without a shadow of a doubt that I can survive anything.

Everything that I write about today, even if it sounds scary, or imperfect, is good. These are things that inspire, engage, motivate and reward me for the work I have done on myself over the past year. My ups are really outweighing the downs in the grand scheme of things, which is not how I felt a year ago, or even a few months ago. And I know that even though it is challenging, it's only going to get better!

Biting off more than I can chew?

So this week, job's not so great. Or, my feeling about my skill level isn't so great I should say. Job's great as ever. My ability to focus, decide and followup are seemingly lacking. I hate not being great at something. I hate questioning whether or not I am even good at something. Days like that just suck.

I am toying with the idea of quitting smoking. By toying, I mean not smoking very much at all for the past 2 days, and not smoking during the workday. And not buying cigarettes....except then I bought a 20 pack which now stares menacingly at me next to my keyboard, threatening a stroke at every glance. Brutal. The change in habit may be contributing to my feelings about the office, but so be it. This is the year of change for me. I'm through with excuses (she says as she sucks back greedily on the cigarette that she has finally caved and lit.) I do not need to be perfect, but I need to be better, and I can be better.

I will get over myself and my job issues, it's a learning curve and I'll get the hang of it. I will get over myself and my addiction issues - from relationship to nicotine. And I will get over my obviously negative spurt as soon as humanly possible. I want to create a corner of happiness here. I have so much happiness in other areas of my life I don't know why I always choose to write when I am venting lately. It may just be because of a tough couple of days, but I don't want to make a habit of it, and it's an easy thing for me to fall into - writing out all of my frutrations.

Tomorrow I'll write about the great things that are happening in my life; add some perspective to my written world. I have so much great going on! Girls' weekend starts Friday at 4, my roommates are hysterical every single day, I've been making so much progress (small, steady steps) on the guitar! I want to document my journey through the learning process. I want to process through a few other "issues" I am having that are way more positive... all change, even the positive ones, come with issues to iron out. Tomorrow not smoking will seem easier, work less overwhelming and life way simpler, because I will write about the good things.

Oops

For the record, I may have overreacted yesteday. But I was having a bad day, and I think writing the hatemail was cathartic. Who knew?

I know I've Taken an Oath of Silence on the matter (but you effing off would be nice)

Not-So-Dear C,

Enough Already! The attempts to contact, the "showing up" randomly, the trying to get to me through my family.... what do you really think you're going to get out of it all? Now you're calling my Landlord? Seriously?

You do realize that the BEST you can hope for is a minor inconvenience for me. And if that's what you are looking for, then Bravo! You can sleep peacefully knowing that I had to ask a friend to stay at the house tomorrow morning so I could go to work and the house could be inspected to make sure that I haven't trashed it. Yay you.

I know that if the roles were reversed, you would be sitting in my shoes getting some sick kick out of the fact that I (playing the role of you being crazy again) am OBVIOUSLY not over the whole thing. I am not you though, and I think the whole thing is just really sad. I feel incredibly sorry for you to be honest. It's gotta be hard to be almost a year removed from a situation and still not be in any better place than you were on D-day. OK, that was spiteful, if not true. I don't want to be spiteful. I just want to be left alone.

I will not contact you to say all of this. I will not contact you at all. I know better than that. I will send it out into the universe to dissipate and die. I realize that I am still jaded myself, and still recovering from the things that you did to me, and to what was once an "us." I can feel the bitterness seeping through my fingertips and am all too aware of what that says about me.

I am trying to move on here, C. It's been 332 days since we split up. Of those days, I have spent 208 of them without you in my home. It's been 148 days since you moved out the last time. At LEAST 130 since we've spoken. And I went over 100 days without having to see or hear from you.

Then POW.

Now we start the count again. This is what I'm not sure you're understanding about it C. No matter what you do, who you email or where you show up, the count of days without you in my life will always start again, and continue. They will compound into months and years and decades, and I will be OK. I'm just trying to move on. Without you. So can you please just try and do the same?

Facebook Status Updates Are Pure Genius

I hate most of the "new" facebook. I don't want to adapt to it. LMAO. As if revolting against the Facebook gods is gonna change anything. But I Digress...

The one thing I dig about the new FB is the status updates and the subsequent comments. I could spend hours reading them if I had no other hobbies.

Speaking of which, I'm learning to play the guitar. 40 hours of practice and counting!


Here's a few of my recent favorites:

• ...doesn't always use the toilet when he goes the bathroom. If he's lookin good, he'll check himself out in the mirror and go in the sink.

• ...is tasty and 28.

• ...suffers from AEIOU and sometimes Y.

• ...thinks spooning leads to forking.

• is full in indecision. Makka Pakka is prettier but Igglepiggle has a wicked rack.

• ...is wishing you all a Wonderful '09. All that is except for Jeff G whose ear I wouldn't pee in if his brain was on fire. Just kidding, I would pee on Jeff.

• ...has noticed that his bust of Christopher Lloyd is weeping for his loss.

Unplugged

As I write, I am listening to Jason Mraz do a live and somewhat goofy version of Rocket Man.

I wrote this totally awesome post to absolutely nobody but myself (like always) to try to capture my "now" feelings about why I have chosen to suddenly make my blog viewable to the public. Then I hit the wrong key on my keyboard (and still have NO clue how I did it) and deleted the entire post. So the drive is now gone, of course lol. Nobody likes having to repeat themselves!

So here's a shorter, make my point version:

I like my music unplugged. Not everyone does, and that's totally cool. I love that everyone is different, it makes my world turn. But for me, stripped down to the bare essentials, honest and soulful without all the layers added on is the best kind of tunage there is. Faith Hill and Santana did this incredible version of Breathe once. I looked forever, and finally found it here. It was so simple, and so beautiful. I realize that Carlos Santana isn't exactly "unplugged," but the vibe was there. I love the imperfections that can only be found in that kind of music. That's just the kind of music that I dig....and just the kind of girl I am I guess.

For some people, unplugged would also imply unhinged, or crazy. These people probably do not enjoy the same music as I do. Those people will more than likely find myself equally unhinged. My taste in music is definitely not shared by everyone, just as much as my way of being isn't going to please the masses. But that's OK, because it's my blog, and I think the point of these things is that it doesn't matter if people like what they read, because they don't have to keep reading if they don't want to.

I started this thing last year not knowing if I would ever post again after the first day. I filled cyber-pages with my thoughts and opinions and freakouts for months, and after reading my own blog, I know myself better. I kept it private because for the short time that it was public, C used it to try to manipulate me, and at the time I was so confused and fucked up that I was too easily emotionally blackmailed. And now I realize that there is nothing that I have written that the people who I love don't already know, and nothing in these posts that I have ever tried to hide.

So I read other people's blogs. It feels a little creepy, because I haven't been as brave with my own thoughts. And my new self thinks this: I am who I am. I'm Unplugged. I'm honest, I'm reflective, and I make huge mistakes just like anyone else. So I figure that if anyone stumbles upon this, starts to read and wants to come back for more, then why not?

I can't promise life lessons, humor or any real sort of entertainment. But if you happen to enjoy my particular brand of "Unplugged," go ahead and read.

Where The Rubber Hits The Road

I've spent the last year of my life living in the world of theory. The other side of my brain is currently screaming out "I've been through the fucking wringer, had it all fall apart, been tromped on, crushed and terrified, manipulated, used, tossed aside, loved and hated!!!" - But my current state is now speaking. I've been in a classroom, picking up concepts, adding to my brain's database of skills. Reflecting, computing, analyzing, recognizing, recovering.... not that you ever realize that's what you're doing, not fully. You just feel lost and in transition and insecure and seriously unsure and like something's missing. Life's funny that way. Hindsight and all that babble.

I'm probably not making a lot of sense, so here's a more literal example: I started my leadership courses almost a year ago now. I took the classes with a lot of people who hadn't been leaders for very long, were inexperienced or even not well suited for the role. I watched them take in all of the theory, explore the ideas in class, and make sense of all of this great new information! And then I went back to the office and watched them continue to do business EXACTLY the same way they did prior to the class. They had the knowledge, but didn't know how to (or didn't want to) apply it practically. Their managers had no awareness of the concepts being taught in the classroom, and were not engaged in supporting this learning back at the office. There was never any feedback provided to them regarding their use of the concepts after they had learned them, and they all thought that they had become better leaders just by sitting through the course.

So now these same individuals are my direct reports. And I am tasked with the responsibility of turning them into a high performing leadership team, capable of using all of the tools that theory provides in a real life capacity. I have to SHOW them how to use their knowledge in practice. And first I need them to realize that they are NOT DOING IT ALREADY!!

So, like any good student of life, I take a step back from this situation at work, and apply the lesson to my own life. Have I failed to apply my real life learnings to my real life? Not that this would be a reflection of personal failure. I'd look at it more as an "Ah ha" moment, where I can grow and become better. And right now, I think that my answer to that question would be yes.

And I revert back to my laboratory work environment for further study. I love my new job. My old boss was fantastic to report to. He trusted me, understood that I knew more about the department than he did, tasked me heavily to run the team alone, and allowed me to succeed on my own. I grew SO MUCH, because I already knew how to run a team, and I was challenged to create a high functioning team and develop all of the initiatives from scratch. And by the time that my life blew up, my team had become so self functioning and my job so second nature that I was able to coast through work...which may have been all I was capable of doing for a while. I will always be grateful to him for the essential part I feel he's allowed me to play in my own career development. And he's been a great friend too.

This could be extrapolated to encompass my life until the break up, with me playing the role of my own boss. Made a lot of good decisions, bad ones, struggled a lot, fixed a lot, but really just did what I thought was best to the best of my capabilities and skill levels and grew through all that was thrown at me.

Now my current boss could not be more opposite. I get weekly one on one coaching sessions from him. There are daily quick hits, and clearly defined objectives. His intention is to make me a better coach, and mine to make my supervisors better coaches. We spend hours in his office, him asking me questions designed to make me think and improve, and then I am sent away challenged to be better now that I know more. And I AM better now that I know more. This job is where the rubber hits the road. And I am charged with guiding my team to do the same. It is empowering, exciting, and a little scary. Make it or break it time, opening night.

And my biggest learning this week comes from this new work environment. I can no longer do the same things and expect different results. I am charged with creating a high performing self, and no one will do this for me. I have learned the hard life lessons. And I have seen what happens when people learn concepts, but do not apply them. I know that I am better than that.

It's funny, because I already knew this lesson in theory. I have at times already practiced it in real life. I'm not trying to imply that I've gone 28 years repeating all of the same mistakes and never adapting or growing. I think the point of realization is more of an "I own 100% responsibility for who I become and how I behave" idea. I can't AFFORD to make as many mistakes as I have in my past.

It's time that I become a new type of coach to myself. One that increases awareness of the part I play in my own life, and holds me accountable for my behaviors and the results. One that trusts me, and I can trust, to be honest and forthcoming with the truth.

This realization is not one that came in an instant, but more from my reflections on my behaviours over the past month. I have been far more intentional in my actions, and deliberate because I am looking for specific results. Again, this behavior was first identified at work. But I think the transition happened at home about the same time. I totally trust myself right now.

This is a HUGE relief. I know I can depend on me. I guess in a sick way, I gained that from my experience with C. My being here- in the exact spot, room, chair even where I hit ground zero almost a year ago - and being OK. OK is bloody fantastic if you think about it.

Speaking of C, here's proof of concept one:Guess who showed up at my new office, on the third floor, right in front of me for a good 20 minutes to chat with the big wigs on Thursday!!! Oh yes, we had fun that day! I can't say I completely kept my cool, which I think is to be expected, because he was the LAST person I thought would show up there. I did ask a director if he was looking for his job back, and tell him off the record that I was really uncomfortable with that. And I did get a supervisor to just stand at my desk and look busy so that I didn't have to worry about eye contact.

But I totally did not crumble. And I looked GOOD. And felt good, if not a bit creeped out by it.

And THEN, guess who sent me a text last night!!! A "no need to reply, just wanted to say congrats on the promotion and best of luck to you" bullshit text. I know, bloody ridiculous at this point, but 2 possible attempts to establish contact in 2 days. Again, it creeped me out a little, but that's about it! It felt good that I didn't want to text back at all, not even to just say fuck off.

Old me wouldn't have shown restraint. New me knows I am so much better without him in my life, and I can't just react and tell him to fuck off and expect not to suffer the repercussions of a whole can of worms.

So now that I have all of this new learning, I have to commit to further exploration of the applications. So I am testing the theory of attracting the type of person you think you "should," or getting what you "put out there." I am setting a standard of only sharing my time with people who I trust and trust me, and working on honest and open connections. I think I'm going to be OK, and it's fucking fantastic!

My first post of the year!

Today's Tunes:

I've been rearranging my Play lists and Set lists for the year. So I've got a lot of new songs on my mp3 player...

Christmas was good. Seeing T - my sister - was amazing. A (good friend) gave me the most beautiful gift. It's a freshly released book of all of Paul Simon's lyrics from 64 to 08. Incredible. The best part is that A HATES Paul, so I was so touched that she was so thoughtful. I found a copy of the same book for T, because I couldn't think of anything better... it was the perfect gift for both of us really.

I only got sad once, and it was only for about 3 minutes around bedtime on Christmas Eve. Not so much sad as a little nostalgic and a little strange being "alone" on Christmas. Sometimes I'm lonely.... but never enough to want to do the whole relationship thing again. I wouldn't mind dating casually, and I still really miss sex, but I just can't seem to make it a priority. I think I'll just wait for that to change. They say these things happen when you least expect them. I don't know if I necessarily believe that, but I guess we'll see.

I'm listening to

and it sort of freaks me out. The chorus is all about the type of love that she MISSES having even though she's with Mr. Perfect. It seems like I've HAD that kind of love. It's exhausting. And she makes it sound exhilarating and like something she's missing out on. Is there no way to win at this game???!!!