I don't have a steady thought process right now, but I have a lot of things I need to get out, so here goes.
I am healed. Or healing. probably still a little wounded if I want to be on the negative side....but really, I am so happy, and don't hurt, and really OK. I truly feel healed. It took me a really long time, and I didn't take the most direct path. I've experienced so many new things, met so many new people, and changed so many aspects of my life to do it. But I'm so over C, and the hurt that he caused, and just want to move forward and be me.
I am changed. I've found my lessons. Again, took me FOREVER. But in this regard, I have arrived.
I am strong. I am a survivor. I am a fighter.
I am also fragile. I deserve to be handled with care.
I don't owe any one anything. I don't need to give someone something just because they ask, or want it. I choose what I want to give, and what I want to accept. And I will bear the responsibility of those choices.
I have a genuine desire to leave people better off through their interactions with me. I have a new need to grow through new people as well. I believe in honesty. I believe in humanity again.
I am not broken because of my failure.
I am better, not bitter.
I am so, so grateful for these things.
So D was a really bad decision that I made along the way. bad because he got way too attached. I was irresponsible with his heart because he wanted so badly for me to do so. He knew the rules of the game - this is not a long term thing, I don't want to belong to someone, I'm living day by day and this is going to end sooner than later.
When it ended, he was fucked up, he still is. And now I'm his boss. STUPID.
The silver lining on that whole cloud is more like a large, bold border. I rebounded, both physically and emotionally. I got what I needed in the short term to start living again. I read over my posts in my time with him, and I CLEARLY see the progression. And while someone was hurt along the way, I can't really own that. I can learn from it, but I certainly did NOT stomp on his heart.
So after I sent D on his way, I hooked up with McDrill, the office stud, referred to previously in the roughneck's game incident. You could bounce a quarter off that ass. Purely sexual, just a couple of times to get it out of my system. Felt SO good to be with a hot dude. Needed that.
Then 2 weeks ago, R entered. And it's everything I didn't expect. I am smitten. And slowly reconsidering my commitment issues. SLOWLY. It's still early, so we'll see. But dating is so much fun, and whatever happens, I know I'll be just fine.
I am healed. Or healing. probably still a little wounded if I want to be on the negative side....but really, I am so happy, and don't hurt, and really OK. I truly feel healed. It took me a really long time, and I didn't take the most direct path. I've experienced so many new things, met so many new people, and changed so many aspects of my life to do it. But I'm so over C, and the hurt that he caused, and just want to move forward and be me.
I am changed. I've found my lessons. Again, took me FOREVER. But in this regard, I have arrived.
I am strong. I am a survivor. I am a fighter.
I am also fragile. I deserve to be handled with care.
I don't owe any one anything. I don't need to give someone something just because they ask, or want it. I choose what I want to give, and what I want to accept. And I will bear the responsibility of those choices.
I have a genuine desire to leave people better off through their interactions with me. I have a new need to grow through new people as well. I believe in honesty. I believe in humanity again.
I am not broken because of my failure.
I am better, not bitter.
I am so, so grateful for these things.
So D was a really bad decision that I made along the way. bad because he got way too attached. I was irresponsible with his heart because he wanted so badly for me to do so. He knew the rules of the game - this is not a long term thing, I don't want to belong to someone, I'm living day by day and this is going to end sooner than later.
When it ended, he was fucked up, he still is. And now I'm his boss. STUPID.
The silver lining on that whole cloud is more like a large, bold border. I rebounded, both physically and emotionally. I got what I needed in the short term to start living again. I read over my posts in my time with him, and I CLEARLY see the progression. And while someone was hurt along the way, I can't really own that. I can learn from it, but I certainly did NOT stomp on his heart.
So after I sent D on his way, I hooked up with McDrill, the office stud, referred to previously in the roughneck's game incident. You could bounce a quarter off that ass. Purely sexual, just a couple of times to get it out of my system. Felt SO good to be with a hot dude. Needed that.
Then 2 weeks ago, R entered. And it's everything I didn't expect. I am smitten. And slowly reconsidering my commitment issues. SLOWLY. It's still early, so we'll see. But dating is so much fun, and whatever happens, I know I'll be just fine.
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