I read "The Secret" post today, and am so grateful for what I have, and who I am. I was grateful then for companionship that at times I felt I was lacking then. I have been blessed with a whole new realm of this concept. Having Cam live with me, in the absence of C has been so refreshing and honest and loyal and....family. I love who he has become dearly. He's gotta be the funniest dude I've ever met. I've made some great new friendships, and nutured some old ones. And I've been OK being without a man. I am overcoming my relationship addiction, and learning to be good with just me.
I was searching for a career direction. I start a new job in a week. With a fat raise. New car size raise. That feels good.
I am happy to report that I am really OK now. I've had some ups and downs with a lot of the people in my life over the last 9 months. 9 months lol. I've been separated from C for the time it takes to have a baby. Haven't spoken with him in over 2. Mom and I had it out. It was ugly. And I think necessary. And it's been fine ever since. I don't think she worries about me as much anymore.
I truly feel like I am strong. And independent. And OK with standing behind the words that I write, and the feelings I express even months after the fact. I am a work in progress, and I am in a constant state of self discovery and exploration. Everytime that I sit and write, I get the chance to be introspective and honest. I don't have to be perfect with mysef, or anyone else. I hate that C tried to take that from me.
Part of taking care of yourself is setting boundaries, and teaching people how to treat you. I've always thought forgiveness was the right way to go, and jumped right to it. I still think you should always forgive people, especially the ones you love...but sometimes you need to be angry about it, or at least let them know it's not ok. I had a HUGE blowout with my mom, where I screamed and swore and she did the same, and we said we would never speak again...before sitting down and talking out everything. It wasn't my most mature moment, but my mom called J to talk about me, and then told me what J had said about me, and excused it by saying she thought I was on coke... nice. I would never EVER put that shit up my nose. Gross. I don't need that to make me feel happy. I WASN'T happy was the problem, and I wasn't claiming to be, it's just that nobody was asking. And they were both so happy and running around with sunshine and sparkles while I tried to keep up the appearance. And they didn't have to ask, they just shouldn't have assumed that I was in their happy bubble with them, and they certainly didn't have to break my trust. So I stood up for myself. In a big way... it was new for me, and it actually made a difference in my relationship with my mom.
So I laid that to rest, and I went home and thought about it, and realized that regardless of the fact that I think mom and J behaved really shitty and unsupportive for a while, I was still unhappy, which was the ultimate cause of the whole situation. As much as I was entitled to be sad and shaken and need to regroup, I didn't want C to be the cause of anymore drama for me. And I want to be happy. So I think I really decided to forgive him. I kinda had to so I could be happy again.
And that brings me to now, and that's where I'm at. Moving forward, and doing it on my terms. If I fall flat on my face, I have nobody to blame but myself.
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