Today's music:
I spent a lot of time thinking about what to post today. This song is so pretty. That's why I linked to it. There was no real reason behind it... but now I sit here, listening to the words, and realize exactly how I will feel the day that C finds someone to love who is not me. To me, it speaks of a love lost that wasn't right... but she thinks it might have been right had she been a "better" person. As I listen to the words it seems silly that she doesn't see that it wasn't her fault. That realization doesn't make her pain feel any less real to me. Which makes me think that maybe she DOES realize that it wasn't her fault, but still hurts, and still regrets. LOL, that's a lot to get from one song. I press play again to wallow in my own regret and confusion for 3 and a half more minutes. And then I will be finished with that for now. I think it's important to grieve, and I allow myself time and space to do so. But that time and space needs to be limited, so I set boundaries. Listening to the same sad song that didn't affect me prior to right now three times in a row is enough for now.
OK, now the reason I actually logged on to post. I was gonna post a wish list for myself today. And then that seemed silly. People wish for things on birthday candles. That's not the kind of wish list I want to write. These wishes are more of deep desires or longings. Things that I truly seek for spiritual (??) fulfillment and peace of mind.
What I want to write about reminds me more of this thing my old drummer told me about once called "The Secret." Oprah did this big thing on it a while back. The film trailer is a little melodramatic and the press a bit sensationalized to say the least. But the guy who told me about it is incredibly grounded and insightful. He's very disciplined in his craft, and doesn't speak unless he has something to say. So I thought about it today as I tried to reframe my thinking into something a bit more meaningful than a thought you make over some candles. I want to live like I HAVE the things that I desire. If I'm not prepared to receive them, they will not come. So insead of making a wish that may get extinguished, I'm "putting it out into the universe" that I am happy to receive it's gifts.
I am grateful for:
Clarity of purposeCompanionship on my pathA new career directionSecurityLasting clarity on what is right and best for C and ICourageWillpowerSelf respect
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