Today's Tunes:
I was reading my older posts, and laughed at the day that I confessed that C and I are still in love with each other. I haven't been "in love" with him for a very long time. I think when I wrote that, I was trying to find meaning in how weird things were and how I was feeling. I was confused because of the amount of time we spent together (given that we currently share a couch.)
I have tried so hard to be friends with him, but I can't do it. I don't want to do it right now. He's still out of town, and I do not miss him. I am also no longer confused. I am truly grateful for the clarity and peace.
There have been moments and times in the past 6 months that I have really been scared to be on my own. Since he's moved back to finish out the lease, there have been days that seemed almost "normal." We've hung out, watched TV, played Guitar Hero, and things seem reminiscent of when I was in the dark and we were happy. But those days only happen when he doesn't have any accountability or responsibilities to shirk. The minute that I ask him to buy toilet paper because it's his turn, fill up the BBQ propane tank, or not eat my ice cream if he isn't going to buy more, I get INSTANTLY reminded of how much better I am alone than with him. He is a child. If I do not just do everything myself, pay for everything myself, and get shit done, it will not happen. This was my life the entire time I was with him. I am happy to say that I will NEVER do that again.
Not only do I have lasting clarity on what is right for the two of us, I have FINALLY reached a point where I can grow from this! I can look back at those pivotal moments in the relationship, the ones you have in ANY relationship - where you decide to make up or break up, or stick it out when shit gets rocky, or decide whether or not to sacrifice something for the other person - and see where my decisions came from. Some choices were good ones, ones that I had to make to maintain my own integrity. Some came from the totally wrong place. I made choices out of guilt (when I hadn't done anything to be guilty about) and even made some choices against my better judgement when I clearly knew the outcome based on previous experiences.
The biggest lesson that I take from this realization is that I am foolish to negate my own wisdom. I know through vast experience what certain things lead to, and was silly to ever expect different outcomes than what I had already seen. There were defining moments where I chose to stay and really should have walked away. This lesson, I think is actually a redefined sense of self worth, inner peace and confidence.
I will not settle for someone who does not offer what I need to feel happy, loved or safe.
I will trust myself first.
I will speak my mind and my heart.
I will continue to do what is right and what is kind, it's just who I am.
I will ask when I have questions.
I will not project my baggage onto someone else.
I will apologize if I sometimes slip on the previous statement.
I will be strong in my independence, and not allow someone to monopolize my energy.
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