Today's Tunes:
So it's my last Friday off work. And the last day before C gets home. It's like the last day before my execution.
C is convinced that I've been sleeping with someone while he is away. He got a text message from someone at work that said I was. I'm not. The ironic part is that I've been more "interested" in people other than "said guy" who I'm apparently screwing, and yet C is pretty adamant that "said guy" is who I've chosen to cross that line with. I've been hanging out with someone, but we're not screwing. We've been drinking, and partying, and watching Californication Season 1. ROFL. And while I may find the person that I'm hanging out with interesting, I don't WANT a relationship! So there's nothing to really say about it, except that it is what it is, and I've been enjoying myself and my freedom to do as I please. The ironic part is that I've known this dude for 8 months and we've had a friendship sort of developing the whole time. The majority of that time I've heard about his relationship woes and this is ongoing...which doesn't exactly scream sex to me lol. Not that we haven't considered it. But talking about something hypothetically and acting on it are very different things. And we don't plan to act on it anytime soon. There are some factors that make me feel very "safe" that this line will not be crossed, and it is so disappointing that I can't just go with that, without having ex-boyfriend interference lol. We're both anti-relationship, both needing to take care of ourselves and heal from some crap. We have this in common, which makes it easy to just have fun with no pressure that something more may come of it. Most men that I have been friends with eventually want to "break the rules" and cross emotional or physical lines that are previously drawn. The fact that C hasn't been around has allowed me to explore other sides of that friendship, yes...but not in the way that C thinks.
I don't want to have to explain myself to C. I don't think I'll have to, because he's so convinced that there's some hot love affair going on that he says he's made alternate living arrangements until the end of the month. This would be a great thing if he is actually serious. But I doubt it. He's usually full of it when he says stuff like that. Just does it to mess with me. After he left the first time, he called to say he was coming by to pick up some things, and when he got here, he announced that he was staying. Then he got all bent out of shape when I said that was not acceptable, like he was entitled to be here after leaving the day before!
So he'll more than likely come back, act all holier than thou and we'll fight about it because I won't want the tension in my living space. This will not end well. I will get really angry and cry which he will find satisfying. At one point his family will probably come into the discussion, and I will be made to feel like an ass for having emotions that don't 100% revolve around what he has lost and gone through in his life. This is what we do. I am not speaking about it to set myself up for a self-fulfilling prophecy, but to prepare myself. I know C pretty freaking well and will be shocked if he comes home and doesn't act completely cold and ridiculous. And the ironic part is that he has NO RIGHT to even CARE about what I do now! He bailed on me. He gave our relationship up. He chose his path time and again.
I've been pretty open with C about my emotional status. Since he's been living here, the only way I've been comfortable is to be communicating with him. You can't have an ex as a roommate and pretend that everything is normal. It's already weird enough, so addressing it makes it less awkward. We've talked about how he feels about moving out, and about how much I need it in order to move on. I've told him how hard it's been to deal with the idea of moving on, and how sad I get sometimes. We've talked about how I want to be doing my own thing, and going out with people, and exploring my independence again. I want him to do the same. I've told him how angry I was that he just bailed on his entire life, including me, his job, his cats, his friends...everything. And how I felt like he had such an easy time moving forward, finding his dream job, shopping for a new car, while I was left behind cleaning up the emotional and financial mess. I've told him when he pisses me off and I need space. I cried as I told him how much he hurt me, and I let him hold me as we both broke down and tried to pull through that awful moment. Earlier on after the break up, we had some pretty intense physical moments. We agreed that it didn't change the fact that we will not be getting back together. We were very clear. The decisions that we made in those moments weren't always the best for either of us....but we were sort of "stuck" in the ending of something, and both very emotionally invested. We both needed comfort, and were used to having each other. I think that while that is not necessarily healthy, it's not really abnormal.
All of the things that we went through in the past 6 months were stages, I thought, of emotional recovery. It didn't occur to me that C would be hanging on to those moments as if he still had some sort of ownership of me. Since we'd talked about everything, I really thought he was feeling similar to me, and now I don't know if that is the case. I am feeling more and more like myself again. I laugh more, and I care more about my friends. There were a few months where I found it hard to breathe, and didn't have a lot of energy to keep up with anyone. I'm starting to catch up now. I sang last weekend which was fantastic, and we're getting booked more, so I have a creative outlet again. And I think I'm gaining weight which would be wonderful. I am well on my road to recovery, and just embracing the journey along the way. I want to be better in the end. So I'm just trying to go with it, and live through it. I'm really just trying to LIVE.
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