Today's music:
Stronger - Faith Hill - This one says it all for me right now...
Wow, it's been a busy week! A lot to blog about, but no time to check in. I've had some revelations this week that have run the emotional gamut. Some of it's been such a blast! Some of it is shocking. I'm not sure I should be OK with some of it. But it is what it is... and this is what I think I've discovered this week:
I LOVE to dance - Not out clubbing, where the girls shake their behinds like if they go hard enough, they may shrink - but real (or almost real) dancing. With a man. Who knows how to dance, and can lead. This was a fun thing to learn. I took 16 years of training in all sorts of dance, but the whole partner thing is relatively foreign to me. I know HOW to dance, but haven't had a lot of practice. No man I've dated has ever really danced with me. It's the curse of being 6 feet tall and attracted to drummers. Drummers don't dance. And no man wants to dance with a partner taller than he is. I went out to this divey country bar that always has a live band. I sang there for 6 years, but last night I went out with the girls. I two stepped with these two tall, cute cowboy brothers all night. It was so fun.
I quite enjoy going out with the girls. I like to drink a bit. Not excessively, and not all the time, but more than I thought I did. And I like to flirt with the boys lol. It's nice to know that I can still turn heads. It's all in the attitude. If you think you're the hottest woman in the room, they will too. This is also something I learned last night. I wasn't trying to impress anyone, didn't care what anyone thought. I was out with the girls, and perfectly content. And yet I was asked to dance all night lol. When you don't need it, it just comes.
My ex and I are still very much in love with each other. This is sad. Since I have started writing this blog, I have actually become a lot more introspective. This has allowed me to realize what I need to do and start doing it. So I have been gradually moving on. I have been hanging out with other men. Not "dating" as much as group activities, conversations... getting to know you type things. Not because I am looking for someone. But because I want to learn about myself. This means exploring what I do and do not want in a partner. This is a necessary part of my moving forward, and I know that. But it is a very painful process for me. C and my separation was not the result of how deeply we did or did not care for each other. We built a very strong history, and both thought at one point that we would be life partners. Letting go of that belief is hard on both of us. Our parting was the result of certain choices and behaviour that I cannot look past. We both know this. There is no going back. Regret cuts deep. Sometimes I think deeper than heartbreak. Hearts heal, and the pain is something we eventually grow through. The remorse of what could have been lingers.
I'm starting to get the hang of this single girl thing. I like parts of it very much! Today, I just want to do my own thing. Putter around the house, do some school work for the course I'm taking, laundry. Days like this are becoming fun. I'll go out with Cam for a bit tonight, just to wrap up the weekend with flare. He'll probably drag me to a karaoke bar, which is hilarious. But I figure why not?
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